Sex

Sex to make him fall in love

The sex tips you need to make him fall in love.

Sex tips to make him fall in love

...and you too! Whether you’ve just met or are worried it’s all over, having the right sex can change your world

According to Hollywood, all it takes to fall in love is one epic, mattress-wrecking sex session. But can the way you have sex actually make a man fall uncontrollably in love with you? And will the way he touched your body leave you emotions totally out of control?

"Yes," says Susan Kuchinskas, author of The Chemistry Of Connection. "Nature designed sex to forge those bonds of love. During sex, men and women release the bonding chemical oxytocin and the reward chemical dopamine – it’s highly potent combination that not only makes you crave more sex, but actually ties that craving to your sexual partner." This explains those initial ‘I can’t get enough of you’ feelings. Cosmo discovers how you keep that heart-throbbing passion alive… 1. Sex when you’ve just met

How do you create intimacy when you barely know each other and the only thing you currently bond over is a shared love of Gavin and Stacey?

"You’re both producing oxytocin when you get it on, but testosterone (abundant in him) suppresses its effect, whereas oestrogen (abundant in you) enhances it," explains Susan. The result? That horrible feeling that you’re more into this relationship than he is.

You need… to play hard to get

Playing coy may seem old-fashioned, but the chemistry really does uphold the theory. "Women assume adventurous sex gets the guy," says therapist and sex expert Dr Carole Altman. "And it will… for a month or so. Men don’t form attachment through crazy sex; that’s just chemical lust, which fades."

"Dopamine is the key chemical," explains Susan. "It makes males repeatedly seek reward. The long they go without reward, the more they repeat attempts to get it – and repetition forges a strong connection."

For women, however, oxytocin is the primary love glue, stimulated by touch, trust and being protected. The longer you hold back from actual intercourse, the more the trust can build – and the more oxytocin gets released via all that lovely touching.

"What’s powerful is not just touching a person, but uncovering their reaction to touch," says tantric expert Jaiya Hanauer. So explore the unusual (but not too freaky) places; try the earlobes, the area between the belly button and the pubic bone and even his kidney area – a cheeky ancient Eastern trick that works the energy connection between the kidneys and the genitals, apparently.

When you do get around to the deed, keep it simple; the less there is to worry about, the more relaxed you’ll be – and the more likely to reach orgasm. And if you want him to stick around, Jaiya suggest stroking him lightly all over post-orgasm to release more of that in-love chemical, oxytocin.

Cosmosutra: The slide ‘n’ grind

1. Get him on his back. Lube up his penis and let him guide your hands to rub in to erection. Hands-on-hands is intimate, as is sharing his masturbation technique.

  1. Swing a leg over and sit astride him. Now slowly grind in circles and life up so the end of his penis is just inside you/ Repeat for as long as you can both bear it. 3. After orgasm, lie over him – arms on his arms, cheek on his chest. This position is a super-tease for him and the more skin-on-skin you have, the more oxytocin you release.

1. Get him on his back. Lube up his penis and let him guide your hands to rub in to erection. Hands-on-hands is intimate, as is sharing his masturbation technique.

  1. Swing a leg over and sit astride him. Now slowly grind in circles and life up so the end of his penis is just inside you/ Repeat for as long as you can both bear it.

  1. After orgasm, lie over him – arms on his arms, cheek on his chest. This position is a super-tease for him and the more skin-on-skin you have, the more oxytocin you release.

2. Sex when you’re in a long-term relationship

A common mistake is thinking only spontaneity and experimentation will save things when the spark has faded. If it’s planned, it’s not the same, right? Wrong. "Many married couples simply stop making time for sex and thus lose intimacy," says Dr Carole. "But it’s not a lack of novelty that causes marriage bonds to collapse. It’s a lack of shared pleasure."

You need… planned pleasure

"Research has shown that married men have higher levels of prolactin the chemical of satiety and satisfaction," explains Susan. "The chemical makes it easier to satisfy him but lowers his sexual urges. Married women ‘nest’ – again, meaning higher contentment and lower libido." Basically, neither of you fancies acrobatics in your current chemical state.

It sounds unsexy but Dr Carole urges husbands and wives to plan one long sex session every week. Lots of foreplay before sex increases oxytocin levels and will reconnect you sensually, adds Jaiya. Start with a shared bath. Get him to wash your hair or massage you with baby oil, then dress in something sexy. Take plenty of time for kissing and touching. Focus stimulation on the abdomen, too. Tantra experts call this the power centre, and say that stimulation it forges a connection between you and your ‘masseur’. Get him to rub it in slow circles with one hand as he uses his fingers inside you. Always sleep naked, too, suggest Dr Carole, to keep low-level eroticism burning.

Taking each other for granted also dissolves marriage ties – but this, too, can be fixed in the bedroom. Tell your partner why you love what they’re doing rather than simply saying you love it – this connects him to your pleasure (eg, ‘I love how you touch me there because you’re so gentle’). After sex, Jaiya suggests trying tratak – gazing without blinking. "After sex, lie together and watch each other’s pupils dilate with desire," she says.

Cosmosutra: The Rocket

1. Sit facing each other, you in his lap.

  1. While he is inside you, both use your hands to massage and stroke each other’s backs, necks, faces and chests.

  1. After lots of step 2, rock back and forth on his penis, pulling each other closer by the buttocks. "Using your hands to touch all over not only helps to increase relaxation and intimacy but also spreads pleasure all over the body," says Jaiya. Perfect for reconnecting marrieds and delivering full-body orgasms.

1. Sit facing each other, you in his lap.

  1. While he is inside you, both use your hands to massage and stroke each other’s backs, necks, faces and chests.

  1. After lots of step 2, rock back and forth on his penis, pulling each other closer by the buttocks. "Using your hands to touch all over not only helps to increase relaxation and intimacy but also spreads pleasure all over the body," says Jaiya. Perfect for reconnecting marrieds and delivering full-body orgasms.

3. When sex has become stale

You’re close but maybe you don’t know where to go from there. You’re still having sex but it’s just a bit… routine? "At this stage, the focus should be on rebuilding the thrill factor, which means upping your dopamine levels by experimenting," says Susan. "You might think the problem is your relationship, but you simply need to reassociate your partner with excitement." Susan, however, adds a disclaimer: "This will only deepen intimacy if your relationship is healthy. If it’s just about sex, desperately trying progressively wilder sex never works."

You need… to share new intimate experiences

In a strong partnership, using mutual trust to push each other’s sexual boundaries and see each other’s bodies afresh draws you even closer together, says Susan. Newness is key: "Rearrange your sexual habits. If every Friday after work you meet for drinks, have dinner and then have sex, try having the sex first – then go out for cocktails."

Sharing new experiences makes you fall deeper in love – experts suggest simply exploring the sex you already have from a different angle. So have sex minus one of your senses. For example, discuss your fantasies blindfold – it’ll help you get rid of your inhibitions. Or wear earplugs – they make you focus on your bodily sensations (plus hearing nothing but your own breathing is strangely arousing). Or try having sex in silence listening to each other’s breath.

Alternatively, get him to rub, hold or kiss areas of your body you dislike until you feel comfortable with it. Experts agree that this is deeply intimate when experienced with a trusted partner and can unleash new, powerful erogenous zones. Try a sex paddle (we like the Sportsheets Fur Paddle, £24.99, from www.lovehoney.co.uk). US research has shown that, chemically, a bit of a spank at this relationship stage actually bonds you. Finally, if you’re nervous about suggesting something unusual, make it easier by including the word ‘try’. "Maybe we could try tying me up?" allows your partner to feel part of the decision, not pressured by it. Jaiya adds, "Afterwards, talk about what worked. This helps build intimacy in your communication – essential for making you feel closely bonded."

Cosmosutra: The downward doggy

1. Adopt the traditional doggy position but with your chest lower to the ground

  1. He kneels behind you and supports you by the waist.

  1. Bend your knees, feet against his lower back. "This position is rough and exciting – dopamine central!" says Susan. Deepen trust and intimacy with high heels, or if you want, get him to tie your hands in front of you.

1. Adopt the traditional doggy position but with your chest lower to the ground

  1. He kneels behind you and supports you by the waist.

  1. Bend your knees, feet against his lower back. "This position is rough and exciting – dopamine central!" says Susan. Deepen trust and intimacy with high heels, or if you want, get him to tie your hands in front of you.

4. Sex when you are worried it could be over

"If you’re feeling disconnected, sex might be the last thing you fancy, but it can often be the thing that heals your bond," reveals Susan. "If you’re frustrated with your partner, the best thing you can say is, ‘Oh, let’s just have sex!’ It’ll certainly break recurrent argument patterns and afterwards – when you’re both brimming with oxytocin, which relaxes and distresses you – you can address your feelings from a more chilled-out mood."

You need… sex in sync

Angry, frenzied sex may sound tempting, but if disagreements have distances you, it’s better to use sex to get you back in sync. "The focus should be on getting the connection back and the oxytocin flowing again," urges Dr Carole.

According to Susan, watching a horror movie us the perfect foreplay. Honest. "It emulates the same dopamine/oxytocin bonding chemistry that was present when you first got together. The scary film stimulates dopamine and the snuggling up releases the oxytocin," she explains. "This way, you’re gently starting to reforge bonds but without too much effort."

Next, try stand-up hugging for three minutes. Sounds strange but we rarely hug for that long. "You’ll almost sense the connection flowing between you again," says Susan. Before sex, lie down together and synchronise your breathing so you inhale and exhale simultaneously. Tantric practitioners regard this as a deeply healing and connecting exercise. During sex, try to exhale as he inhales and vice versa, which again powerfully aligns you, mentally and physically. Have sex, fingers entwined or with hands placed on each other’s chests (there are powerful erogenous zones on the palms).

And keep kissing. This is a massive chemical bonding tool and research shoes it’s one of the first things to go when a relationship falls apart, so don’t let it drop from your sexual repertoire.

"For a struggling couple, post-sex is the key time," says Jaiya. "It is crucial not to jump out of bed." Let your breathing fall in sync with his, and after a few minutes, try discussing what was tearing you apart. In this relaxed place, sex can rebuild a coupling that was starting to crumble.

"However, if a relationship is struggling and you know it’s better that you separate, sex is absolutely the worst thing you can do," warns Susan. "The oxytocin/dopamine mix is incredibly powerful and using sex to save a toxic relationship will only bind you more tightly. You’ll never move on."

In which case, we strongly recommend rebonding with your Rampant Rabbit…

Cosmosutra: The spider web

1. Lie on your sides facing each other.

  1. He places his upper leg between your thighs and pulls your top thigh over, holding your bottom.

  1. You use your heel to pull him towards you. He rolls forward for deeper penetration. "Side-by-side sex is so healing," says Jaiya. "It allows you to eye-gaze and kiss easily." It won’t bring you to orgasm quickly, so you can take your time and talk afterwards.

1. Lie on your sides facing each other.

  1. He places his upper leg between your thighs and pulls your top thigh over, holding your bottom.

  1. You use your heel to pull him towards you. He rolls forward for deeper penetration. "Side-by-side sex is so healing," says Jaiya. "It allows you to eye-gaze and kiss easily." It won’t bring you to orgasm quickly, so you can take your time and talk afterwards.