Sex

10 stages of having sex after you move in together

We can have sex on everything!

By: Frank Kobola

  1. "LET'S HAVE SEX WHILE WE'RE UNPACKING!"* You're in your new place and sex here might as well be a novelty. For the first week or two, this might as well be a hotel room. Plus, you can totally have sex now because this is your place, and you're not sharing it with roommates or parents. There is no time you can't get together and just have sex. It doesn't even have to be good* sex anymore. Whereas before, all your sex had to be amazing because it could be a whole week before you would see it other and try it again. Now? You can absolutely waste an orgasm trying some weird position, or just banging awkwardly while digging photo albums and mugs out of cardboard boxes. Worst case, you can try it again five hours later, because you're never leaving.

  1. You have sex really loudly for the first time.** A few days into your cohabitation, you wake up at 4 a.m. and go at it as loud as you want because there's no one who will yell: "Hey, I have an exam tomorrow at 8 a.m.! Shut up!" It's the first time you really understand that awkwardly quiet sex or losing your orgasm because you're paying careful attention to bed frame squeaks is a thing of the past.

  1. The moment you realize you can have sex on the kitchen floor.** For better or worse, there's no more high-risk-we-might-get-caught sex. You can have sexanywhere because you're no longer sharing the space with other people. When you're having sex, 100 percent of the residents of that place are having sex with each other. It's a statistical fact. Which means no one can walk in on you even if you're doing it in your foyer. Except maybe the mailman if he shows up to toss mail through your mail slot (not a euphemism) and manages to sneak a peek of your partner stuffing your mail slot (totally a euphemism).

  1. "Oh, are you showering? I'm just here to have impromptu sex with you."** It's not like anyone else needs to use the shower later.

  1. You start having sex after dinner every night like clockwork.** There's nothing wrong with it, but you realize at some point you unconsciously integrated sex into your schedule and now it's "that thing you do between eating and doing the dishes." The sex is still fantastic, but it's not as spontaneous and crazy… at least on weekdays. Weekends are still tie-you-to-the-bed-for-hours kink fests.

  1. For this first time, you skip a night of sex.** You don't say anything, because it's totally a fluke. One of you wasn't feeling well, so it's no big deal.

  1. You start weighing the sex against the amount of sleep you'll wind up getting.** You find yourself glancing at the clock when you're horny. Do you go for it, or do you make sure you get a full eight hours of sleep before your presentation tomorrow? Some days, sleep wins.

  1. You have sex specifically because you haven't had sex in a few days.* Sort of like taking out the garbage, you're thinking, Crap! We don't want to be the couple that doesn't ever have sex. We should probably do that today. You don't actually look at it as a chore or anything; in fact, you're still having more (and better) sex than when you didn't live together. But the novelty factor of being able to walk five feet to get laid has worn off a bit. It's like when you first got your driver's license and you would drive anywhere just for the excuse to drive. Even going to the RTA sounded awesome. But after a while, you drove because you needed to go get milk or you would drive somewhere to have sex.

  1. You settle into your new commuting rhythm and start having more sex.** After you're no longer in your "new" place and you've unpacked everything (let's be honest, everything but that one box in the corner you will never ever unpack and is coming with you as is when you move again in five years), you hit that period where you've really got to adjust to your new commute, your new schedule, that one of you somehow manages to get water all over the bathroom while showering, and just generally living with a human being. There's a period of time after you're having sex like unsupervised rabbits where everything puts a drain on you. For a few weeks, you're tired. You think you have mono or you're dying. It's slow going as the sheen of constant sex wears off and you're faced with the reality of cohabitation. But once you clear that hurdle, everything falls into place and you start banging again on a pretty regular schedule.

  1. You move again, and the cycle begins anew.** Unless you're moving because you're about to have kids. That's a whole different set of circumstances.

  • Author: Frank Kobola