All the Sextras
Comedian Emma Markezic on love, sex and why the devil's always
in the details…
What do you do if your outfit's a little boring? You add a scarf.
And if your bolognese is a bit bland? Add some salt. We are all
more than content to accessorise in other areas of life, so why
aren't we equally candid about adding a little something-something
to our love-lives? In fact, sexual supplementation seems to be one
of the last great conversational taboos. Women will quite broadly
dissect their sex lives over coffee and cocktails. But offering up
the details of their boyfriend's penchant for using their shampoo
bottle in unconventional ways? That still fits squarely into the
Major Over-Share category.
Well, I say, let your freak flag fly. We have all done it at some
point. Maybe not with a shampoo bottle, but a little
experimentation is totally natural - actually, probably even more
so than you think. Case in point: Gabriel, a chimpanzee from a
Primate Research Center in the US, who likes to use her caretaker's
leather boots while, er, monkeying around (talk about a shoe
fetish). And for those who haven't dared tread where Gabriel has
gone before? Well, it really is the best way to butter your toast,
if you know what I'm saying… especially if your proverbial bread is
getting a little stale. In fact, I think they should have classes
at the local community college called How to Use Everyday Objects
to Turn Up the Heat 101. I imagine it would go something like this…
Tutorial one: using sheets and pillows to mix it up; tutorial two:
vibrators - share the joy; tutorial three: fruit, honey and
iceblocks - yes, they're sticky, but that's the point. Just imagine
the take-home assignments…
Of course, there are always a few cautionary tales. Like the time I
melted a Mars bar in the microwave to use in a sexy, sexy fashion
on my boyfriend's bare chest. All I can say about that is, wherever
you are now, ex-boyfriend-in-question, I'm really, really sorry
about those second degree burns. It truly seemed like an awesome
idea at the time. The there's a friend of mine who's mad for a
little naked hula hoop. Or at least she was until she accidentally
wacked her boyfriend in the head with her spinning circle of love
and sent him through a plate glass window. All's fair in love and
sex games.
In saying that, I promise you I've never heard a man complain that
his lady friend was too sexually adventurous - everyone's up for a
bit of nookie reinforcement. Everyone. Anyone else remember the
mini-trend that exploded in the late '90s in the form of chocolate
body paint? You could buy the stuff on the counter at Kmart, for
crying out loud. Obviously the masses we're doing just that -
crying out loud for something to save them from suburban bedroom
boredom.
Need a little inspiration? Just look around the house. A paint
brush, three paperclips and a jar of pickles? Put it all together
and suddenly you're the MacGyver of erotica. There's no idea too
big, no object too small…Well, there probably is but you know what
I mean. Think of it as the scarf to your sexual ensemble. Actually,
use a scarf! Hey presto - no more boring bolognese-style sex for
you. And you know what, make sure you tell your friends.
Word of the month
Cockupied (adjective): to be alternatively immersed in a sexual
act. As in, "Where's Amy tonight?"
"Um…she's otherwise cockupied."
Want more of Emma's dating truisms? Check out her column,
Keep Calm and Carry One, in Cosmopolitan.
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