Sex

20 signs you're having bad sex

Also known as "signs you're boning a guy you may as well replace with a vibrator." Life's too short, ladies!

bad sex signs dummy

1. He expects you to blow him, but won't return the favour. Giving another person pleasure can itself be pleasurable, sure. However! This entirely changes when the person is a douche who's only interested in themselves or too lazy or disinterested in you to try to please you too.

2. He comes every time, you come none to almost none of the time. He's under the delusional impression sex is all about his orgasm, not yours. Well, they make battery-operated vibrators that are way more satisfying than dudes like this.

3. If it takes you longer than five minutes to orgasm, he says, "There must be something wrong with you." There is nothing wrong with you. However, there is definitely something wrong with him for trying to make you feel bad and think you're abnormal or difficult.

4. Sex ends when he comes. Sex ends when both parties are fully satisfied. He mistakenly believes sex should be like the porn he watches where women are sex bots who are automatically turned on by everything a guy does, and don't come but act like facials are the best thing that ever happened to them.

5. He lies there expecting you to blow him and ride him, but can barely be bothered with foreplay. Again: battery-operated devices, ladies.

6. He comments when you haven't shaved or waxed all your pubic hair off. Yet he has all of his because, in his world, "girls shave" and guys don't. Your discomfort shouldn't be another person's pleasure. And if he doesn't want to deal with your bush you shouldn't have to deal with his.

7. He doesn't give you a warning before he comes. And then he just comes in your mouth or on your boobs or in your eye. And you know if you ejaculated in his eye he'd have a huge tantrum about it. (Not that he'd ever be able to make you do that, but still.)

8. He tries to get you to do it without a condom. No. Effing. Way. If he tries to push you into this who knows what else he'll try to push you into.

9. He refuses to spend the night with you. Because he's so commitment-phobic that, even if you just want to have him around so you have a regular hookup, the idea of spending more than three hours with you, sleeping or awake, terrifies him.

10. Whiskey dick. And it's a frequent problem even on weeknights.

11. He assumes you're in the mood every time he's in the mood. And when you're in the mood and text him, he's watching Batman on his couch and can't be bothered to make plans with you.

12. He never asks you about your day. Or even your life, generally. He has no interest in learning anything about you beyond what you look like naked.**

13. He doesn't try for you but expects you to try for him. He'll do something gross like go to the gym and not take a shower before you come over and still expect you to do it with him. These are the same men who pee in the shower while you're showering with them.

14. You have the distinct feeling he hasn't washed his sheets since the Royal Baby was born. He's told you he has taupe sheets "because they hide stains well."

15. He says anything even remotely condescending to you. "Why is your hair in a ponytail?" "Cool underwear. Is it laundry day?" "Is it that time of the month or something?"

16. He has no idea where your clitoris is and no desire to find it. You could have more signs pointing to it than the Harbour Bridge and he'd still ignore all of them.

17. If you want to stop before he finishes, he expects you to blow him. And he doesn't give a crap that his penis tastes like condom and your vagina feels uncomfortable and you just want to go to sleep in your own bed now.

18. He keeps asking you for anal/a threesome/period sex/other sex act you're not interested in after you've said no multiple times. Not only is he impervious to listening, but it also seems pretty clear that he views you less as a human woman than a collection of orifices he can put his penis inside.

19. He's never once cuddled with you. He sleeps with a body pillow to make extra-sure he has something to place between himself and even the idea of emotional intimacy.

20. He'd sooner wash his filthy sheets than pay you a compliment. He never tells you you look pretty or congratulates you on killing that project you were working on, or anything. And still, he expects you to love blowing him.

Source: Cosmo US