12 signs that hookup was just a hookup

You're never going to see him again.

By: Frank Kobola

1. You had wild, animalistic, I-can-never-look-this-person-in-the-eyes-again sex. ​That's because you're never going to see each other again. It's just too weird.

  1. He made tentative, generic plans to see you again in the future. **​"We should grab dinner sometime" is a nice thing to say to someone when you never want to see them again.

  1. All you two did was flirt. **​You realise now that you know literally nothing about him except that he's very forward and touchy-feely.

  1. You don't even know his last name. **​Now you'll never be able to find him on Facebook.

  1. He insisted you go back to your place to hook up. **​ Sure, your place might be closer, or he might be taking steps to make sure he's untraceable post-hookup. Don't think about this one too long, though.

  1. You haven't heard from him for a week.** His phone isn't broken. He isn't out of the country. He is ignoring your texts.

7. No brunch. For some millenials, brunch is more intimate than sex. It says, "I like you enough to hang out with you when I'm hung over and eating a waffle." If you asked him if he was in the mood for brunch and he was like, "nahhhh....." then it's time to let him go.

  1. He left in the middle of the night.** Don't bother trying to find him. He's gone. He quietly dressed himself and stepped out into the crisp midnight air, the moon glistening off his skin, still wet with sex sweat. He turned to give one last look at your place, and then let Kevin from Uber whisk him off into the night. Also, he probably used your bathroom on the way out and tried to pee very quietly on the side of the bowl.

  1. The next time you saw him, he constantly reminded you how you're "great friends."** Did you hook up with an old friend one night? This is his way of trying to inconspicuously know that the two of you aren't lovers (note the fact that he avoids calling you "lover"). Yes, it's obvious, and yes, it's awkward, but in his mind, he's trying to be nice.

  1. He looked deep into your eyes and said, "this can never happen again." **This isn't even a sign. This is really as clear as it can possibly get.

  1. You were very explicit that this was just about casual sex. **​Are you having regrets about treating that guy you met at a bar as a dildo with a pulse because you're in a different place months later and realise you two had a connection? It might be too late.

  1. You committed no.s 2, 5, 8, 9, or 10.​* "Streets are a two-way street, but also so is sex-having." ​—​ Douglas W. Street, inventor of the street. Alright, that isn't true and D.W. Street isn't a real person, but obviously if you're treating this like a hookup, it's just a hookup, unless this guy is a skilled stalker, in which case call the police immediately.

Source: Cosmo US

  • Author: Frank Kobola