Sex

Take your bedroom from meh to SEXY

Lull in your lovin’? Emma Markezic says your boudoir might be in need of a romantic revival…

If you’re not currently sitting between your parents on the couch while they watch Q&A, I’d like you, if you don’t mind, to picture yourself having sex. You probably imagine yourself in your own room, in your own bed, going at it like a hobo on a ham sandwich. Because that’s where most of us do the wild thing: in bed. And as most of our mutual horizontal hustling happens in the complete darkness of the boudoir, it’s easy to ignore our surroundings.

But when the location where most of your sexy times happen is also treated like a dressing room/storage area/karaoke rehearsal zone, it’s not as conducive to sex as you might have thought.

And a proactive environment is paramount to mounting. As they say: if you build it, he will come. And so will you. So let’s get started. Set the scene

First up: clear out the crapola. And by “crapola” I’m referring to anything that isn’t furniture or fits inside furniture. Magazines, dirty laundry, that bowl with the mouldy growth that looks like Russell Brand’s head – they all need to be gone like last week’s leftovers. This also means banning the laptop, TV, and anything that has wires of any kind – in fact, think of wires as tiny sex-annihilating snakes.

But what of my nightly Facey fix?!, I hear you say. I’m not saying this is going to be easy – but commit to the cause, homegirl. Your bedroom needs to be a haven for your relationship.

Arguments might happen in the kitchen, in the lounge room or in front of Maccas at 2am, but your bedroom should be so relaxing you’ll be soothed as soon as you walk in. Soothed and in the mood for all things lewd.

Toss the throws

Here’s a mistake young players often make: throw pillows. Go overboard on the cushions and you’ll only have to pause the passion to clear a space for the conclusion. Which, needless to say, might ruin the moment a tad… or a ton, if there happens to be a stuffed toy in amongst them. Light his fire

Illumination is yet another sexual godsend we often neglect – lights on or lights off is usually the Mr Miyagi-esque extent of discussion. But darkness is less than ideal, and a fluorescent bulb is so unflattering it would make Rihanna reach for a dressing gown. What you want is softer-than-marshmallow lighting that makes you feel as though you’re in a Sharon Stone film circa 1992. Think lamps, string lights and, of course, candles, which are the lighting equivalent of oysters.

Linger longer

Here’s some sexy chicanery: if you don’t live with your partner but instead take turns having adult slumber parties at each other’s pads – try spritzing his pillows with your perfume as you leave. Later that night when he settles his head down sans you, he’ll be overcome with lustful thoughts of nuzzling your neck. Sweet dreams ensue. Like the Dilmah guy would say: do try it.