I have a talent, well...more habit really, ok it's a slight addiction...to destruction.
When everything is all peace and love in my life; I'm making rent, meeting deadlines, enjoying my yummy new man, (who by the way seems totally mentally sound and socially acceptable) and I'm just starting to relax into the feeling of normality, it happens. I begin to get edgy, I grow restless and a little anxious, and I slowly (mostly without realizing) pick up the matches to start the fire that will no doubt burn what I had been building to the ground.
I can almost set my clock to it. Two Months and two days. Without fail.
With every new relationship comes the addictive rush of excitement. The butterflies and late night calls, the whispered words in dark places. The erotic playground of any back seat. The thrill of learning one another from the outside in. It is all so incredibly intoxicating, carefree and easy... for the first few months.
But for whatever reason, as my relationship grows out of its pubescent phrase of cutesy everything; and the shiny newness wears away, opening up to the possibility that it could be something more than a brief affair, I begin to panic. I start to feel suffocated and consumed. As any normal couple naturally begins to make more and more space in their life for the other person, I seem to do the opposite. I cling the my old life like a security blanket, terrified that should I loosen my grip, it will be snatch away from me so suddenly, I will never find it again. I hold close the less- than -desirable people from my past and stand firm with my singledom behavior.
Think it all sounds a touch dramatic? Perhaps. But for for someone who so fiercely guards her independence this the start of the end.
When you have spent your whole life living only for one, it is easy to become a little stubborn and rigid. As hard as I try to integrate both of my lives, there is often inevitable cracks. Excitement and laughter, gives way to stern talks about communication, and
"I want you now", text messages, turn into: "Where are you?, Why aren't you home?"
With a tendency towards adventure and carelessness, I can hardly blame a guy for wanting a little more security, reassurance ( or hell, even respect!).
Often caught in the midst of the moment, I cast aside the fact I have a a gorgeous man, who worries and cares for me, and who would like goodnight text after I arrive home from a night on the town. But,I do not send the text. Not because I forgot, but because the proud lioness inside of me digs in her claws, roaring, "I don't answer to nobody!" Match lit.
The inability to compromise my old life for new, and the fear of co-dependance fuels the flames that will soon ruin everything.
Let it be a lesson to all who reads my not so wise words. Be very careful when you play with fire. Choose carefully the battles you wish to fight and the ones which require surrender.
If you are like me, and have obvious independence and commitment issues, take a step back and look at the bigger picture. What has become a habitual cycle of demolition prone relationships could be more your doing, than it is men who have come just a little too close. Sometimes its just plain old fear that causes us to hurt/destroy something or someone really wonderful.
And if your like me, its worth thinking about what it is you are so desperately trying to hang on to in your past, as it may not hold a match to what, together, you might actually create in your future.