“Hi, I’m Tara, and this is...well, a cucumber”
Everyone is looking at me and I turn red.
“I don’t have a boyfriend and my housemate had to work. My best man friend refuses to attend any of my workshops and I couldn’t turn up without a penis to a lingam workshop. So this is Mr Jeffrey, I found him in my fridge,” I blurt it all out in one breath. I tend to over share when I am embarrassed or uncomfortable.
Luckily before anyone could enquire about my mental health, Tanya, our Tantric Guru, enters the room.
I have heard lots of good things about Tanya and was super excited to be a guest at one of her wildly popular ‘Lingam Lovers’ workshops, held in her home, which has been transformed into a sexual oasis with candles and incense.
My fellow class members (six woman and their actual penis owning partners ) all stand, eager to greet Tanya who makes her way around the room, welcoming her attendees with a long hug and a kiss on the mouth.
As I wait for my welcome pash, I rehearse my explanation for the cucumber, but the man next to me beats me to it.
“She brought a vegetable,” he whispers loudly.
“A woman’s love is a strange and wondrous thing,” Tanya beams at me and it occurs to me she may think that I am in an actual relationship with Mr Jeffery.
Before I get a chance to explain my green friend, Tanya introduces her own partner, a very handsome and young man called Dean: he is beautiful and I find myself wishing he was my partner. As Tanya begins to slowly undress him she instructs the other “lingam worshippers” to carefully remove their partners’ clothes and lay them comfortably on their back.
“The wand of light must feel relaxed and loved, in order to unravel, and feel ready to receive supreme pleasure,” Tanya explains.
I try hard not laugh. A “wand of light”? Really? I feel like I’m in a naughty Harry Potter film.
Tanya explains the true gift of a lingam massage is not the “arrival” but the process. Teaching your partner to receive love and pleasure is extremely important in creating a relationship and intimate bond.
She suggests we start the massage with gentle tickles and strokes with little blows of cool breath around the head of the lingam. Tiny tugs on the scrotum and a light poke around the perineum can also aid in relaxation.
Tanya then goes on to demonstrate some helpful techniques: juicing, where you mimic juicing an orange on your partner’s penis and flaming, which is achieved by holding the lingam between both hands and rubbing your hands together quickly as if to start a fire.
Should you notice your partner is approaching completion, Tanya suggests taking a break. Holding your partner’s orgasm back six times creates a tremendous amount of sexual energy and enhances the release.
The lights are dimmed and music begins to play as the class gets down to business. I sneak a quick glance at the happy couples around me, learning and exploring one another and feel a little sad as I pour massage oil over Mr Jeffery. A cucumber was a poor choice of partner.
Maybe I should get a boyfriend, I ponder.
“If you prefer Tara, you can practice on Dean, he is wonderfully considerate,” Tanya smiles.
And then again, maybe I shouldn’t!