Sex

Tara Tries...A Fellatio Class

Chupa Chups, condoms and Lindt chocolate balls...Tara O'Sullivan gets in touch with her inner phallus worshipper

Imagine a room. Candle lit and moody, there is an air of thick intrigue. As you take off your shoes to join the circle of people on the floor, you notice in the centre sits a large penis. A massive wooden willy, right there in the middle of the group.

Now you mustn't laugh, this is why you are here. You sit, crossed legged, with your 22 male and female classmates. Around the monument of manhood, there are Lindt chocolate balls and Chupa Chups...you resist the urge to scoop one up. Condoms and frangipanis generously garnish the genitals, an unusual combination you ponder. Taking a deep breath you are now ready to begin Fellatio Class.

Another workshop at The Sydney Xplore Festival. This time, a 2 hr class on the art of fellatio (oral sex, for those of you wondering if its a new age Yoga fad)

"Grow the phallus (penis) between your thighs, long and strong, feel the sensation of it hanging down your leg," instructs our sexual educator.

Has anyone ever asked you to grow a penis before? It's a lot harder than you may think. Eyes shut, I concentrate on my private area morphing into a stallion of maleness ( I've often thought that if I were to have a doodle one day, it would surely be of ginormous measure)

"Now, name your phallus, and take it for a walk. Introduce it to other phallus's around the room."

Ok, you got me! I start laughing. Ashton Kutcher is going to jump out any second and tell me I've been Punk'd. Except, he doesn't and I haven't. I name my penis Ashton anyway. Walking around the room I introduce Ashton to every Tom, Dick and Harry I meet.

After the 'formal' introductions, its time to explore the ancient art of fellatio. We begin by experimenting with touch. Using our arms as the "phallus" we tickle and stroke it's length whilst taking note of the different sensations we create. We then repeat it on the person next to us. My partner is Jeff, and yes, massaging a strangers forearm whilst imagining it's a penis is as weird as it sounds. We swap roles and after a while I began to relax and (kind of enjoy) having my arm sensually fondled. Our teacher explained that learning how to connect deeply through touch, is the key to successful fellatio. I smile to myself. I bet ole Jeffy, would make a fantastic fellator.

After touch is taste, of course. We reach for the Lindt choccie balls and mine is gone in a second.

"Holding the ball to your lips, imagine the texture and taste of it... Slowly, slowly, take the Lindt ball into your mouth".

Having already devoured mine, I push my tongue into my cheek and pretend to roll my imaginary ball of bliss around my mouth while making a mmmmm sound.

Here is where I begin to lose faith in the class. Never have I met a penis that resembles, even slightly, the deliciousness of chocolate. Nor have I ever had to put a penis back in the fridge, worried I will lose all self-control and devour the lot. I start to question what we're all learning.

Lindt balls are replaced with Chupa Chups, and I was transported back to a time when I believed suggestively sucking a lollypop was the way to any boy's heart. I'd spent years looking more like a diabetic psycho than a saucy and seductive femme fatale, so I was not overly excited to recreate that memory.

Thankfully, it's now time for the bananas. Was I was the only one to have put a condom on a piece of fruit in High school? When will we get to the good stuff?

However, my attention immediately peeks when our talented teacher demonstrates the -oh so cool- art of using one's mouth to apply ones prophylactic.

Exam time and keen to show this class of sexually sophisticated new agers my skills, I go first. Banana in one hand, I unwrap my little Durex dude and pop him into my mouth. I spit and chew and struggle to get that little fellow right side up and onto that stupid banana. At one point I almost choke and the teacher smiles at me, "Perhaps I'd like to sit this one out?"

No! I will not be defeated! 15 minutes later and a bit of sneaky cheating, it was on the fruit and I begin to make some sweet banana mouth love.

And then it breaks, I had bitten my imaginary penis in two, instantly failing fellatio class.

I had not applied any of the tips and techniques our guru had suggested and had a "distaste and distrust of the male member that needed some serious exploration".

I wanted to argue that my banana was too ripe and that I had a serious lock jaw problem. But she had a point. I'm not a phallus worshipper. In fact the further from my face a phallus is, the better. Maybe I had been victim of one too many over eager male receivers to actually believe in the magic of the male wand.

Or maybe, just maybe, the secret to perfecting fellatio, is exploring and learning with a trusted and adoring partner, and not in a class, with a piece of fruit.