Candles lit, and my 'sexxxy time' Ipod playlist on repeat, I slowly warm up for my big night ahead. Pulling on my old flannelette pajamas, I spritz on a little signature scent, and apply my favorite 'working girl' shade of lippy to get me in that naughty kinda mood. How will they be able to resist me? I am a sex machine.
Tonight is the night. After a lot of careful planning and mental preparation, I have decided that I'm now ready to surrender my Virtual Virginity. A self confessed novice at internet nookie, I was a big believer that the internet was a murky pool, filled with dirty perverts who lived with their mother, and killed small animals for pleasure. But, being such a non judgmental and open minded person (ha!)and frankly feeling a little antsy in the pantsy, I have decided that maybe it was time to wade on in and get a little wet.
I open my laptop. I google 'nice, not too dirty, sexual chat sites'. I want to go slow, ease my way into the filth. Lesson one - Cyber sex comes in one flavor only: Hardcore.
I spend the next 30 minutes deleting smutty pop ad's, and requests to join in obscenely gross activities with girls that look 14 and bored, when my housemate, Tim, arrives home.
Tim- "Hey, wanna go get a $6 steak at the pub"
Tara- "No can do my friend. I'm about to have cyber sex. Old Tara's about get some freakkky internet intercourse action...with her computer, and, like, several unidentified men, probably from middle eastern Europe".
Tim- "Thats gross (pause) Can I watch? ( Excited now) You turning on your webcam?"
I tell him I'm not turning anything on (except hopefully myself) and that I'm sticking to the NON camera sex chat sites, Im not atotaldeviant Tim!
I ask him to help me choose a profile name.
Finding an appropriate Sex Chat name is tricker than I thought. I want it to be subtle, not too slutty, but something that suggests I'm here (and old enough) to play.
I suggest: LoveMuffin. Tim suggests: TastyTaco, and Bangers&Tush, and I wonder how he ever found a girlfriend. I decided on just: Tara
Kicking him out, I log into SexChat 321 and scroll through the online alias, hoping to find the perfect first time cyber lover.
I'm on the hunt for someone eloquent, perhaps a young wealthy englishman ,who is interested in polo and Shakespearean style role play. I look for the "Henry's" or "William's". Instead, chat requests from dudes calling themselves; AngryOldPerv, BreedWithMe, YouDirtyDOg, and, the particularly worrisome: Ih8Women, infect my computer screen like a virus. I consider asking them if they would like some helping thinking of more polite alias's to increase the chance of attracting a nice lady...then I remember where I am.
Pushing through the muck, I decide to click on a name I instantly recognize. ADAM.
Me: "Hi Adam"
Adam: "Hi Tara"
I started to laugh, the familiarity was hilariously ironic. Imagine if it was actually the Adam I knew...that would be crazy!
Me: "I know someone called Adam"
Adam: "Really? Why don't you tell me what you would do to him? Are you a dirty girl? Do u want me to punish you with my huge...."
Here is where I learn Lesson number two - chatting with someone who shares the same name as your brother is probably the worst thing you could do on a sex site. Ever.
I end it pronto
BareBackBrett: "So what are you into?"
Me: "Well, lot's really. I enjoy reading. I write a lot and I love going to the movies. You?"
BareBackBrett: "Huh? I mean sexually."
Me: "Ummm, ok...yeah, I'm into all sorts of really crazy and sexy stuff, like, really naughty type things...you know...( long pause ) and what about you?
I'm not prepared for his reply. Half of the stuff BBB likes I don't even understand, and I'm almost certain it's illegal in Australia. And then it occurs to me. I bet he isalreadyin prison, or worst , he is a distant uncle of mine or even more worst BareBackBrett is actually my housemate Tim! Who ever he is I decide to end our technological tryst immediately.
I feel dishearten, dirty even, from all the smutty comments and dodgy alias. I start to feel slightly anxious about living in a world where nobody wears pajamas at night and everyone has a urinary fetish.
And then, I find "BEN".
"BEN" is 26 and lives somewhere in England. (he doesn't play polo but you can't have everything) He is witty and patient, indulging in my need for some 'normal' nonsexual banter, and before long I'm feeling confident that he's the one.
It happens seamlessly, without me even noticing. One minute we are talking about the colour green, and the next I'm naked and mowing the lawn in a 'Sexy Gardener' type fantasy. I do things with backyard tools I never thought I would or care to repeat.
A skillful expert in tantalizing text, his words, like candle wax, drip down my computer screen and over my body. I'm transfixed and intrigued by "BEN".
I start to imagine what he may look like in reality, and, how one day we will probably laugh about this night as we sip wine and watch our children play.
And then, out of nowhere, "BEN" types one little sentence that ruins everything.
I vow to never, ever, cyber sex again...ever.