Sex

The 12 Best Things About Masturbating

You're never going to be like, "Sex with me again? Yawn."

By: Lane Moore

1. You don't have to tell anyone "to the left, no, your other left." Because You Know.

  1. You can pretty much do it whenever, wherever, just like that Shakira song.** It's also like that Dr. Seuss book, in that you can do it on a plane, you can do it on a train, (and also while eating green eggs and ham, but good luck tracking that down). Basically, the sky's the limit and even that's not true because of the plane.

  1. If you start masturbating and you're just not feelin' it, no one will be disappointed.** With the exception of you, who was hoping to have an orgasm before you went to the bar tonight, no one will be like, "Aw, man, we can't have sex?!"

  1. If you weren't that great at it this time, eh, whatever you were tired.** You know how great you can be when you really give it your all, but it's 1 a.m. and you're barely awake anyway. No big.

5. You never feel like half-assing it because it's your* orgasm at stake. It's easy to be fooling around with someone you're not that into and give them a kind of half-assed hand job or something like that, but when it's you with you, every night is your damn anniversary and you are going for it.

  1. You can do some weird shit to yourself and not even have to ask if you can do it.** Never have to feel weirdly about asking for spanking again because you are not a stranger and you already know for a fact that you want to be spanked. Win-win.

  1. Shower masturbation is 99 percent more likely to be successful than shower sex is. **Seriously, have you tried shower sex because LOL. But fortunately masturbating in the shower doesn't require some perfect amount of height difference to be workable and no one will be shivering in the corner like an orphan in the rain.

8. You can do it with your right hand or with your left hand, with a vibrator or a dildo or a vibrating dildo, you can stand up and do it, you can lie down and do it, you can hang out of your bedroom window and do it if you're particularly acrobatic. Which brings me to my next point…

  1. You never have to explain that sometimes too much direct pressure on your clit is way too much and please stop it right now.** When will guys understand this?!

  1. Your fingernails are always just as short as you want.** And you know for a fact you washed your hands before (or you didn't, whatever, I was tired.)

  1. No one has to sleep in the wet spot.** I have a queen-size bed for a reason.

  1. You're never going to be like, "Sex with me again? Yawn." **Look, I'm not saying that after being single for a damn long time with zero hookups on the horizon, I've never felt like, "Ugh, screw this. This is the worst," but mostly I'm never like, "I'm so tired of having sex with myself" because honestly, we pretty much always have a great time. And when we don't, we just eat pizza. Me and me have a great sex life.

Source: Cosmo US

  • Author: Lane Moore