The 15 emotional stages of receiving oral sex

Oh god, what if I never come?

By: Lane Moore

1. You look like you're going to go down on me, but are you? I mean you're kissing my chest and my stomach, so I kind of think you might but maybe this is just a body kissing portion of our makeout session. Tough to tell.

2. Oh shit, you're going down on me.Yesssssss! Hell. Effing. Yes.

3. When did my body start tensing up like I'm about to go to the Department of Transport? Jesus, body, relax. I know there's a guy you really like with his face in your crotch for the first time, but this is supposed to be fun.

4. I'm so hairy he might not be able to find my vag/I'm so glad I shaved. I had no idea this was going to happen/I had a feeling this was going to happen.

5. Wait, when was the last time I showered? This morning? Maybe? I can't remember, but I'm sure it's fine. Guys shower way less often than women do and we go down on them.

6. Who was the woman who liked this move?! Whoever she is, she is not here anymore and her vulva liked different things. Please stop licking the inside of my thigh repeatedly. There is not a secret clit in there.

7. Should I put on my Spotify "Doin' It" playlist or is that weird? I wish I had a remote control so I could just turn on "Partition" and really take this to the next level, but also your tongue is in my vag and I don't see a reason to stop that.

8. Are you getting frustrated that I haven't come already? How long has it been? What's the normal amount of time that it should take? I mean, we've never done this before and it's all new, and now that I think about it, I've never timed it. Maybe I should start timing it, just to have something to go off of.

9. What if I never come? What if you try and try and try, but you're just not good at this, and then I have to stop dating you because we're sexually incompatible. Maybe this is a sign. Well, there goes this relationship. Bye, Jeremy.

10. Whoa! Who taught you this move?! Because she is a vaginal hero. Hello, Jeremy.

11. Noooo! Don't start doing something different! That was working! Could you not tell it was working? Because it was. How do I tell you to go back and do that thing and never stop doing that thing because that thing is the perfect thing.

12. Great, now I have to sit through this crap. Nope. Not even close, pal. You had it before. Where you are now, I don't even know. I might grab a magazine because you are so off base I can't even.

13. Aww, you found your way back to the thing that was working like a little explorer who was going the wrong way and then turned the ship around! I knew you would. Man, I really like you. I really, really do.

14. Aaaaand I'm coming. Oral sex is the best. Why ever do anything other than this, whyyyyyy??

15. I just need to sleep for an hour, and then I'll be ready to marry you in a small but tasteful ceremony because that was so great. Just kidding, I'm not insane but I do like you a great deal right now.

  • Author: Lane Moore