Some people collect shoes. Other people are gathers of vintage purses, comics or if you are my Uncle Glen: belly button fluff. I however collect sex toys. I own almost every sexual utensil on the market, and know more about adult toys than I do about the basics of living. As a self-professed sexual aid connoisseur I could tell you, with my eyes closed, which toy you need for what, in where and how. I’m like the Martha Stewart of adult appliances, kinda.
So when the opportunity came up recently to visit the Adult Toy Expo in China to test drive the latest in playtime products, I could barely contain my excitement. Finally, a chance to use my expertise! With an extra suitcase purchased ready for the samples, I was beaver eager to explore, experience and report back my latest market findings.
But alas ladies, having returned home tired and slightly chaffed from all the trying, I bring only sad news. It appears the pleasure product market has been hijacked by a bunch of teenage technology nerds who have quit work at the Mac Store and are moonlighting instead, as sex toy inventors. No longer content with simple and effective stimulators, these dudes believe the new wave in erotic equipment is all about outrageously unnecessary functions and capabilities. The era of the Rabbit is over.
And here to take its place are three of the worst...
The video camera vibe
Hands up who thinks showing your lad the insides of your lady bits sounds super sexy. Well, apparently the creators of the Gaga believe ‘inner, inner INNER’ beauty is where it’s at now. A streamline vibrator, the Gaga is the world’s first sex toy with an inbuilt camera, allowing couples to combine vibration with visualization. I’m not even kidding.
Using a USB cord that is connected to both the vibrator and your laptop the Gaga allows your partner hours of uninterrupted probing pleasure while your innermost intimacies are displayed on your computer screen. Gross.
The electric shock Vibrator
Two words that should never be put before the word vibrator are “electric” and “shock”. Yet, the maker of this woman hating wand (a man, obviously!) believes his latest invention will redefine pleasure with help from a little bit of secret “spice”. And by “spice” he means electric pulses that zap the clitoris.
It took a lot of convincing for me to agree to road-test this one, in fact for two days this guy chased me around the expo trying to taser me with his vibrator whilst assuring me I was going to love it. In the end I relented and gave it a go. My vagina is still not speaking to me.
The voice control massager
In theory the concept of voice activated vibrators isn’t so bad. Button pushing is so 2012 and any excuse not to exert unnecessary energy is particularly welcome after a hard day at work. However, I found that in practice it just doesn’t work. Because these massagers are fairly new on the market there are a few design flaws that need a little ironing.
The most obvious being that in order for the vocal recognition thingo to work you actually have to shout your commands, and loud! It was weird enough for me alone in my hotel room yelling “ON! ON! FASTER AHHHH!! SLOWWW DOWN, SLOWER, SLOW! STOP!!” But to imagine using this vibrator anywhere within ear shot of civilians such as your share house or your parentals holiday home is just too weird. No-one wants to be the girl who talks to her sex toys. No-one.