Sex

Thinking about a threesome?

One for your bedroom bucket list? Get an idea of what you’re headed for emotionally, and how to keep it fun...

Thinking about a threesome?

What the experts say:

Whether you want to spice things up with your partner, or have a YOLO attitude to sex, or you’re keen to fulfil a lifelong fantasy, threesomes rate high on bedroom bucket lists. But as our readers found, there’s a bunch of emotional implications you’d do well to consider before hopping under a kingsize doona.

“A threesome shouldn’t ever be used as a tool to solve sex problems or relationship issues,” advises sex therapist Désirée Spierings, director of Sexual Health Australia.

“It might sound like the answer to bringing excitement back to dull sex – and it can be wild, exhilarating and fun. But threesomes can also result in feelings of resentment, anger, jealousy and inadequacy.”

Still sound like a good idea? “If you’re in a committed relationship, establish ground rules with your partner first,” recommends Spierings:

  • Set clear boundaries about what’s OK in the bedroom and out of it – such as whether you will meet your third partner for a date beforehand, and where you’ll find them. Will they be male or female, etc.
  • Agree on a “sacred element” that will remain between just you and your partner, not ever with the third partner.
  • Set a secret code and agree that if either of you becomes uncomfortable, both partners will end the threesome at once. This gives a sense of alliance. It could be “chocolate” or even “Do you want a glass of water.” With couples, the rules are to protect your relationship – but if you’re the third partner, you need to consider your own emotional wellbeing. “Think about the following questions,” says Spierings. “If the answer to any of them is ‘no’, I suggest reconsidering a threesome.”

  1. Do you separate sex and love?

  1. Are you OK with being seen as a sex toy for the couple?

  1. Could you get attached?

  1. Are you OK with being the third wheel in the encounter?

  1. Will you gain anything?

Readers' stories: **"I had a threesome to please my boyfriend"**

“I’d been dating this guy, Tom*, for a month when he suggested during pillow talk that we should ‘have a friend over’. I didn’t feel it, but after he’d begged for five months, I caved. I didn’t want to seem a boring girlfriend.

“On the day we’d planned a threesome with Tom’s friend Katie, I got my period. He wasn’t a fan of period sex, so I guessed I wouldn’t be getting any. But he didn’t want to reschedule.

“At his place, we had wine and started kissing. It was fine, but when Tom and Katie started having sex I felt so jealous that I pulled her off of him and went down on her, just to stop them. Afterwards I felt degraded, like I’d been forced into it.

“I dumped Tom soon after, and I’m engaged to another guy now. He says he’d love to see me with a woman, but we know how much a threesome could hurt our relationship, so we’ll definitely be keeping it a fantasy only.” "I had a threesome while I was studying abroad"

“When I was at uni I went to study in Stockholm. One night at a club I met two guys called Jed and Adam. Jed was tall and hot, and I really liked him. We exchanged numbers.

“The following Saturday Jed invited me over to Adam’s place. By chance it happened to be my birthday, so I went out with my mates as planned before I headed over. I gave one of my friends their info so she’d know where I was.

“Jed poured drinks and the three of us sipped them and talked. After an hour or so, when Adam left the room, Jed started kissing me. Then – boom! He pulled me into Adam’s room and we started having sex. I thought it was weird that he’d brought me into his friend’s bed to do it, but I was too wrapped up in the moment to care.

“After a while, Adam appeared… naked. I realised they were up for a threesome, and I thought, ‘Why not? You came overseas to broaden your horizons. Do it!’

“So I did. Jed and I had sex while Adam watched, and then Adam and I went for it while Jed touched me. After we were done, we lay there cracking up before dozing off. I felt wild but not bad for what I’d done. And I found myself liking Jed.

“When I woke up Jed had gone, so Adam made us breakfast. By midday I began to feel uncomfortable without Jed being there. I texted him, and he said he’d had to leave for an early appointment.

“I gave Adam a hug goodbye and left. Later, Jed texted: ‘Last night was fun.’ I wrote back, ‘Yeah – it was interesting!’ The next week we met up again. Adam came too. It wasn’t awkward – we just didn’t mention what had happened. But I did spend the night kissing Jed.

“After that, we started dating exclusively. Adam was fine about it. We only broke up when I left Sweden.

“My conclusion? Guys from Sweden are amazing! Jed and Adam were open and non-judgemental, which was exactly what I needed from my first threesome.”