Sex

What not to do with boobs

Could you not lick them like the bottom of a Cheetos bag? Thanks.

By: Lane Moore
What not to do with boobs

1. Please do not honk them like you're playing a carnival game. You know what you win when you honk my boobs like a 6-year old-who has just met a clown? A free trip to "get the fuck out of my apartment"!

2. Never mash them like you're giving her a mammogram when you do not have that medical training. Oh, you do? Well, good for you and please let me know my results, but also still no.

3. Absolutely do not rotate them like you're trying to unstick the top on a jar of salsa. They don't screw off. They just don't. And honestly, Stephen, I am appalled that you appear to believe they might. And furthermore, why would you want them to?!

4. You could pinch her nipples like an overeager grandma pinches your cheeks during the holidays, but why don't you not. That's not OK when your grandma does it and also why are you trying to be the grandmother of my nipples? How is that hot for anyone?

5. Good lord, do not lick them like the bottom of a Cheetos bag. Licking can be good, (really, really good in fact), but licking like you're all over the place searching for crumbs with your weird mouth is less good and I'd go as far as to say it's confusing and terrible, please stop. You are freaking me out.

6. Seriously don't jiggle them like they're literal fun bags. Sorry, no. They are in fact attached and I am still in fact a person. Please stop moving me like a window display.

  1. Do not name them.** I can almost guarantee that she hates whatever awful garbage bag name you've come up with for them. Unless it's Beyoncé and Taylor in which case, proceed.

  1. Never, ever palm them hard like you're trying to move a washcloth up a bathroom mirror.** There's no stain on my boobs. You don't need to shout it out. Just try something gentle at first and we'll work up to it together, OK? Seriously, put your hand down and try again. Thank you.

  1. Stop only addressing our nipples like the rest of our breasts are numb orbs.** The whole breast can feel things, like the whole vulva can feel things (it's not just the clitoris). Wait, did you not know the vulva thing? Sigh. OK, make some tea. We'll talk this out.

  1. This should go without saying, but do not motorboat them.** I mean, yes, this is kind of hilarious, but during sex, I would prefer for things to be not hilarious. OK, fine, do it once but make it snappy.

  1. It would be preferred if you would not wildly grope them like you're climbing a rock wall.** Where are you climbing to? My face? It's right here. Yeah, like, 12 inches away. Calm down.

  • Author: Lane Moore