Why you need to stop dating guys who say they won't go down on you

Lick it or leave it.

By: Lane Moore
Why you need to stop dating guys who say they won't go down on you

Every time a guy I meet says he loves going down on women, I act like I just found a 1960s Prada dress on the side of the road that fits me perfectly and there are lottery tickets in the pockets. Why is it so rare and exciting to find a guy who likes cunnilingus? Why are we still surrounded by guys who say they don't, as a rule, go down on women?

Obviously, it's not my intent to force any guy to do anything they don't want to do. If he doesn't feel like going down on you at a certain moment, sure, whatever. Maybe he's all vulva'd out. But the idea that a guy would say he never goes down on women because our bodies are repulsive or confusing seriously needs to die. And you can help it die by refusing to date lamewads who say shit like this.

When I was in high school, every girl I knew was aware that she had better be amazing at giving blow jobs. It often seemed like that was the one thing that mattered above all else. It didn't matter how smart or funny or hot you were; if you didn't give ~gReAt~ blow jobs, what was the point? While that continues to revolt me because we were 15-year-olds who had no idea what any of that actually meant, it bothers me on a completely different level that we never once expected guys to go down on us in return. Blow jobs were so common that we had several terms for them (head, dome, etc.), but cunnilingus never even came up in conversation.

That was probably for several reasons. It was hardly ever shown in TV and movies, they certainly didn't bring it up in sex ed, and what little info I did know about it (mostly via overhearing idiotic conversations had by 13-year-old boys in our class) was that vaginas smell like fish (Yes, because the penis smells like a kingdom full of Diptyque candles. OK.) and you should pretty much keep your legs closed for your whole life unless penetration was happening. The general consensus until our mid-20s was that we should just try to find oral sex joy in giving instead of receiving.

Well, let me shout with a vagina-shaped megaphone: STOP DOING THAT RIGHT NOW.

For one thing, the guys who usually say they don't go down on women are often the guys who claim to be dick wizards in bed. I'll tell you how I know they're not: 70 percent of women rarely if ever orgasm from penetration. Penises are great, but you can't seriously say you're great in bed unless you're also really good with your fingers and tongue. And if he refuses to even use his tongue, LOL, dude, shut up about your sex skills.

Then there's the Just Plain Lazy guy. Recently an ex of mine who I still talk to for reasons unknown said, "If women like cunnilingus so much, they should make it easier for us to do." How lazy are you, bro?! Blow jobs involve a hand, a throat, a mouth, the removal of the existence of teeth, trying to breathe, and the occasional incorporation of balls somehow, and you're bothered because you still can't figure out how to go down on a woman even though you're in your late 20s now? This is not a man you want to date. (As I also learned. Hence "ex.")

Guys like the aforementioned cunnilingus haters aren't just bad for your sex life, they're hurting your confidence. Your vagina, for the record, is excellent. It smells great, it tastes great, and it probably looks really awesome too, but I get why you might not think that. It actually only finally clicked for me the first time someone I was dating told me my vagina was incredible. Their exact words were, "You seriously have the perfect vagina. It looks great, it smells great, it tastes great. It's perfect." Why would you want to be with a guy who doesn't think that about you? It's actually a great litmus test: Ask him to go down on you, and if he says he "doesn't do that," you'll know he's a pathetic loser who claims to be into you yet he is scared of a truly kickass part of you.

There are few things in my book that are cooler than a guy who loves going down on women. When I meet a guy who says it's his favourite thing to do, I basically marry him in my mind. Not because he's some kind of rare desert gem, but because seriously, the sooner you can acknowledge your junk is a goddamn miracle, the more guys will do the same (it's like The Secret for cunnilingus). No, it's actually because I'm so psyched that he's not some knuckle-dragging moron still carting around janky, old notions about vaginas being gross and strange or hard to figure out because (1) they're not, (2) they're not, and (3) they're not. We need more of those, as many as possible.

And if you still have doubts about whether or not your vagina is cunnilingus-worthy, I still have phone numbers for a few exes who frankly have really good taste. Ah, shit, I walked right into that pun.

  • Author: Lane Moore