Sex

15 things women wish men knew about blow jobs

No. 9 is the rudest thing.

By: Hannah Smothers

Of all the sex acts out there, blow jobs are shrouded in the most mystery (maybe aside from anal sex or pegging, but still). For something that has to do with your mouth, there's not always a ton of communication that goes down between two people, pre-BJ. Here's to hoping we can clear up all the misconceptions someday, in a future that is bright and shiny.

  1. I know what you're doing when I suddenly feel my head being nudged in a certain direction. *Yeah, your "subtle" please-give-me-a-BJmove is not subtle at all. Women are all talking about this behind your back. We know what's going on.
  2. The very first thought that goes through my head is, "Do I know when the last time this dude showered was?" **Some penises smell foul, and almost always, those penises have not been washed recently. Especially in the summer, when all the little nicks and crannies of our bodies are filled with tiny pools of sweat, showering pre-oral sex is a nice courtesy. You can always just turn the shower into even more foreplay.
  3. The very second thought that goes through my head is, "If boys don't wipe, is there, like, leftover pee dribble on this thing?" **Seriously though, can someone answer this for me? Should I be concerned about the pee residue?
  4. When my face is that up-close to your dick, time moves at least four times slower than normal. **Maybe this is because gravity's pull is stronger on objects that are closer to the ground, or maybe it's because penises actually bend time to make it pass more slowly. Who knows. All I know is that time comes to a standstill down there.
  5. I have literally zero clue what to do about your balls. **Like, do you want them included in this situation? Should I touch them? Putting my mouth near them seems ... gross. But please. Tell me. I have no idea.
  6. Giving a man a blow job does not equal going down on a woman. **Like, I am sure going down on women is difficult in its own ways, but having to concentrate on suction and moisture and looking hot while you're doing it, all while dealing with a gag reflex and tired jaw muscles is a chore.
  7. It freaks me TF out when you're dead silent. **Please gimme some feedback, some way of knowing that what I'm doing is even remotely OK. So many women are insecure about their BJ abilities. Maybe don't complain about how we don't give them enough when you make us feel terrified of screwing it up?
  8. I start getting bored after, like, 30 seconds. **It would be really ideal if all penises had a tiny little TV screen on them, so at least I could watch Netflix or something while I'm at it, but the human body doesn't have that customization option yet. Maybe in the 2017 model.
  9. You absolutely do not get to come in my mouth/on my face without clearing it with me first. **This is the best way to make sure I never talk to you again in my life and drag you online forever and ever. It will be so deserved. Do not be this person.
  10. I don't have to swallow anything if I don't feel like it. **And sometimes I'm in the mood for this, and other times I'm not. Women are nuanced beings. We can have different opinions on different days. Don't assume that just because I did something once, I'll do it every single time. This is why no. 9 is so crucial. ASK FIRST.
  11. It's incredibly discomforting when you have zero pubic hair, TBH. **I played with Ken dolls as a kid because Barbie needed a guy to hang out with, but I don't want to play with them anymore.
  12. It's also a little cumbersome when you have a ton of pubic hair. *Killing two birds with one stone is a great way to save time, in most cases. But flossing while getting your boyfriend off is definitely not one of them.
  13. I'm going to stop the second my jaw gets sore, even if you haven't finished yet. Seriously though, in the immortal words of Samantha Jones, "They don't call it a job for nothin'." It's hard (LOL) work.
  14. I'll give you a blow job when I want to, and only when I want to. The myth that women either hate or love doing this is wrong. I mean, obviously. Some women like it, some women hate it, and for most women, it just depends on the parter and the ~vibe~. Know that when I do it, it's because I want to. And when I don't, that's the end of the conversation.
  15. Just because I'm on my period and don't feel like having sex does not mean I'm going to give you a blow job. *Maybe I will if I'm feeling generous and flirty, but probably if I'm not in the mood to get off, I'm not in the mood to get you off either.

Source: Cosmo US

  • Author: Hannah Smothers