No relationship is perpetually blissful. What’s important is knowing how to recover when your twosome veers off course.
It’s a fallacy to think a good relationship should be smooth sailing all the time. “Rough spots are a normal part of the dating cycle, and they don’t mean you’re doomed as a couple,” says psychotherapist Ann Langley. Uh, Jude and Sienna, anyone?
Clearly they found their way through the murky period, but regaining the footing in a relationship that’s struggling is tricky. The first step, experts say, is figuring out why the bliss bubble burst – whether it was due to internal factors, like differing views on marriage and kids or external factors, like the stress brought on by work commitments.
Once you settle on the root cause, you need to get your feelings out in the open. “Try having a talk outside the house, such as at a park or another public area, to distinguish the discussion as more significant than a concern that you might mention passing over the phone or at dinner,” suggest Sam R. Hamburg, author of Will Our Love Last? During the chat, go back and forth in one-to-two-minute intervals. That way you will both have ample time to air any grievances without either of you feeling overwhelmed by the other.
As for whether taking a break is beneficial, there is no one right answer. If you feel like you’ve lost your sense of self, a hiatus can help you regain your independence. Ultimately, though it’s important to face the issues and decide together if they are surmountable, says Langley.
Often problems crop up because a couple has grown distant and lost sight of the things that made them fall in love in the first place, says George Weinberg, author of Why Men Won’t Commit. To rekindle those early-stage feelings, go back to the date places you frequented back then and make a concerted effort to reconnect more physically. “Sex releases oxytocin, which is a bonding hormone,” says Langley.
Your chances of weathering a turbulent period increase if you both are still invested emotionally, have set forth a strategy for avoiding past pitfalls, and have the same long term goals. “Chemistry is important, but it’s critical to be on the same wavelength about where your relationship is headed,” says Hamburg. Perhaps the most key factor in patching things up is deciding that the quality of your life is better when your partner is in it. If that’s true then, then you’re one step closer to fighting for your bond’s survival.
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