The Communication Mistakes Most Couples Make
How to get the conversation flowing again
You and your partner may think you know each other inside out, but even the most in-tune twosomes can slip up. ''Many couples unknowingly have subtle, but bad communication habits,'' says psychologist Steve Stephens, author of Lost in Translation. ''They often don't create conflict in the moment, but when they occur consistently, they can cause problems.'' To avoid these pitfalls, you have to recognise them first.
Mistake 1: Details are left out
The scene: You mention that you'd like to plan a dinner with friends on Thursday. You don't, however, fill him in on where, what time or exactly who's coming. Essentially, you paint the broad strokes, subconsciously expecting your partner to fill in the details. Later, when he says, ''What dinner?'', you wind up getting upset.
Couples often leave out key information because they're so used to being together that they figure their partner will understand them enough to also understand what's unspoken. ''When that doesn't happen, feelings are bruised, people feel ignored … all sorts of problems arise,'' says Stephens.
Fix it: Be deliberate when you're relaying important information to your partner - the way you'd be if you were talking to anyone else. And when he tells you something, ask for details.
Mistake 2: The timing is off
The scene: You want to have a D&M but he's busy watching Heroes. Or, he brings up a serious topic during your DIY pedicure.
Picking the wrong time to chat usually takes a wrong turn. ''The person being bothered becomes annoyed and the person initiating the conversation feels dismissed,'' says clinical psychologist Cara Gardenswartz.
Fix it: Make time to talk about the serious stuff. Ask: ''Is this a good time to talk? I want to figure out if we should book that holiday or not.''
Mistake 3: You become the voice of doom
The scene: You want to warn him about dinner with your parents, so you preface it with, ''OK, don't freak out, but…'' The result? He's instantly on edge.
''Instead of preparing him, it stresses him out even more, setting off warning bells in his brain,'' says psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith.
So, why is it so hard to just dive in and say what's on your mind? ''Women like to prepare for a problem rather than abruptly tackle it, even with issues that aren't major,'' says Stephens. ''But men hear it as a signal to gear up to get defensive, thus making it a self-fulfilling prophecy.''
Instead of jump-starting his heart attack with a foreboding statement, try a gentler approach, such as, ''This isn't really a big deal, but would you be up for going to my grandma's 80th birthday this weekend?''