If you’re having fun with a new guy, beware the non-commitment contract. Here. How to spot it…and avoid signing it.
I once met a guy who was sexy, funny, intelligent and great in bed. After several dates, all ending in the same place (my bed), I suggested that perhaps I should consider going on the Pill (girl speak for “Lets get serious). When he lazily replied, “Don’t do it on the account of me,” and turned to go sleep, I was horrified. His answer said all I needed to know about our relationship status. In one throwaway sentence he presented me with an emotional prenup: the only thing he wanted to access was my pants.
How could I have misread the things so badly? All the signs were there: we only met on his terms, he wasn’t interested in meeting my friends, and our ‘dates’ generally consisted of a couple of hours in a bar before going back to mine. I’d unwittingly signed to a contract that I hadn’t understood. Had I looked at the small print, it probably would have read, “Sex, no serious relationship.” I’d been served an emotional prenup and I didn’t see it coming- mainly because I’d convinced myself I could change him.
Happily ever never
Brenda Della Casa, author of Cinderella was a liar: The Real Reason You Cant Find (or Keep) A Prince, says the reason we often don’t realise we’ve served an emotional prenup is because we are too focussed on Happily Ever After. So when he says, “I just want to have fun,” we hear, “One day I’ll want a serious relationship.”
The reason commitment-shy guys like these prenups is because, by being open about their emotional intentions (or lack of them), they can get what they want from us (usually sex), then use well-constructed get-out clauses when we become too clingy (think: “I told you I just wanted to have fun”). If we agree to their terms, we’re effectively giving them what they wanted in the first place: a shag buddy.
The no-strings contract
“An emotional prenup is effectively an agreement to devalue all the wonderful things about relationships, such as the bond, commitment, and love you want and deserve,” says Della Casa. So, when you’re presented with one, you need to ask yourself whether you’re really after a meaningless fling. If you are, pick up the pen and sign with a flourish. But if that’s not all you want, you need to ask yourself whether you’re comfortable accepting his proposal.
Mostly, a guy will lay his emotional prenup on the table and tell you straight up he’s not looking for anything serious. But there’s are several other phrases he may use two classics such as, “We’re having fun, why complicate things?” or “My last girlfriend was too clingy.” From the moment he utters those words and you declare you feel the same way; you’re forfeiting you right to a meaningful relationship.
The problem is, what a guy sees as a clear signal, our fantasies turn into a mixed message. We convince ourselves that when he says, “I don’t want relationship,” what he means is, “I didn’t want a relationship before I met you.” We want to be the one who can entice them into settling down.
Sex also has a habit of confusing things. A friend of mine went to bed with a mate of hers for ages. They were drunk, he said he didn’t want a relationship, and they had sex. The next morning they had sex again. It felt intimate and she convinced herself he had changed his mind and wanted more. But the painful thing was, he just felt horny again.
No-mate dates
Della Casa has a theory about picking up these signs. “A relationship is like a good role in a movie- it develops overtime,” she explains. “You start with the flirting and the little games, and then it moves to a deeper level and you start becoming a part of each other’s lives. If after six months, you haven’t met his friends, and the closest you’ve come to a proper date is the local pub, the relationship isn’t going anywhere. And your stomach is still in knots all the time, you need to realise its not butterflies. When a man cares about you, you know exactly where you stand.”
Truth is, we have to accept that a man’s emotional prenup is a serious contract that he has no intention of breaking. And no wonder, when he’s the one reaping all the benefits. “When he says, ‘Lets just have some fun’, what he means is, ‘Let me have some fun’,” says Della Casa. “There’s nothing more ‘fun’ about caring for someone more than they care about you.”
The trick is to remember, if a man is offering an emotional prenup, you don’t have to sign it. Now that you understand the small print, you can be just as clear with your terms, and see whether he agrees to them. You never know, you may be surprised. And, if he doesn’t agree, he’s not worth the paper you wrote on.
You know when he’s served you with an emo when…
1. He tells you he broke up with his last girlfriend when she became clingier than Lycra bike pants
2. He drops the “I’ve just come out of a serious long-term relationship, and I’m not ready for another one yet,” bomb
3. Every time you say, “Let’s talk about our relationship,” he goes down on you. Diversion?
4. He feeds you the classic “It’s really important for me to focus on my career” line.
5. He describes himself as a “ladies man” without a hint of irony.