When silly spats spell trouble
By Carla Nitke
You love your guy, but his quirks drive you mad. Here’s what those minor irritations may mean for your union.
For the most part, you and your boyfriend really seem to connect. But sometimes, his little habits really get under your skin. Maybe it’s his iffy table manners or his always showing up 15 minutes late that works your last nerve. You try not to, but you can’t seem to stop fixating on some minor flaw.
“When something seemingly petty repeatedly annoys you, it can be because you’re harbouring larger, underlying doubts,” says psychoanalyst Bethany Marhsall, PhD, who tackles this topic in her new book Deal Breakers: When to Work on a Relationship and When to Walk Away. Marshall explains how to tell if your bickering is a sign of something bigger or just a niggling annoyance.
See if it’s serious
Think about your quarrel, and look closer if any of these ring true.
• You wouldn’t care if a pal did the same thing – say, choosing a Will Ferrell flick over play tickets – but get mad when he does. That indicates anxiety about your dude, not the behaviour. (If you’d hate that a friend did it, it’s just your own pet peeve.)
• You get wound up consistently, daily even, by unrelated triggers – if it’s not his playing Xbox for hours, it’s that he’s with his stupid friends. Constant chafing likely stems from bigger concerns (like he’s immature).
• Random things remind you of offenses. One irksome little action stirs up unrelated grievances – like his loud chewing gets you agitated about the time he insulted your brother during dinner months ago. You’re clearly irritated by a more overreaching issue.
Clarify your complaint
If you’ve determined that your tiff isn’t trivial, ask yourself, ‘What is it about his actions (dirty towels on the floor) that freaks me out about him (disrespectfulness)?’ Note: Some bigger issues are yours to deal with, not his – like if you bristle when he eats dessert because you struggle with your weight.
Talk it out when you’re both relaxed, say, while lazing on the couch. Tell him something like, “I know I get cranky when you invite Tom to dinner. It’s not that I don’t like him. I just feel we’re not getting enough time together.” Cite other examples if you need to. Then ask him to suggest solutions so he’s part of the plan, not being badgered.
Remember, it’s not what he’s doing that bugs you, but what the actions represent. Stay focused on that so it’s a rational conversation, not a nag-a-thon.
What happens next
Now back off. If you have a good bond, he’ll see the bigger picture and at least make baby steps towards changing. But if he shrugs off your concerns, the conflict won’t go away. It’s your call: deal with his flaw . . . or call it a deal breaker and move on.