1. LOL. A dramatic dream of a complicated and troubled backstory. Who’da thunk it with his obvious and complex psychological issues?
2. Bonus hottie in the house! Who is this fine specimen who isn’t Christian?
3. Oh hey, Christian’s hot brother! I remember you…
4. This whole opening sequence is just Dakota Johnson engaging in one long, never-ending sigh.
5. Srsly, has anybody ever sighed so much? Like, do you even inhale? Ever?
6. OoOoOoOoOoooo Fitty McBossman lurrrves her!
7. Just when you thought an exhibit made up of unapproved, close-up portraits of Anastasia’s face couldn’t possibly get any creepier, somebody goes and buys up all six.
8. OH HEY, CHRISTIAN! YOU FUCKING PSYCHO! Be more predictable, will ya?
9. (But also, hot AF.)
10. Ana: “Why are you here?” Christian: “For you.” I am predicting pretty much every word of this script.
11. He’s ordering for her? SOUND THE CONTROLLING PSYCHO ALARM.
12. Hungry just thinking about that wasted steak tbh. Also, this date serves as a reminder that E. L. James totally ripped off Twilight. This is the EXACT SAME SCENE where Edward makes her eat shit and is rude to the waitress.
13. Pre-negotiating terms? SOUND THE CONTROLLING PSYCHO ALARM.
14. “You were getting off on the pain you inflicted on me.” Urrrrrrm, yeah. That’s only the entire crux of the story… HOW ARE YOU ONLY JUST GETTING THIS?!?!??!?
15. Oh hey, completely non-subtle Apple product placement!
16. The girl from The Ring? Dat you?
17. There is a constant emotional abuse warning klaxon sounding in my head throughout this entire movie.
18. Christian on Fitty McBossman: “He wants what’s mine.” Oh, do fuck off.
19. Since when and on WHAT FREAKING PLANET are capsicums arousing? How on earth did this get them in the mood? If anything, of all the vegetables, the green capsicum has got to be one of the least sexy.
20. He bought the company she works for? SOUND THE CONTROLLING PYSCHO ALARM.
21. Christian: “What do you want, Anastasia?” Ana: “I want you.” ‘What great and original dialogue!’ – said nobody, ever.
21. There is literally no sexy way to take off skinny jeans. This is bullshit.
22. WOAH. THIS IS GRAPHIC.
23. ALRIGHT, CUNNILINGUS CLOSE UP!
24. “KINKY FUCKERY” – ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??!!??!?!?
26. Just can’t.
27. Samara, dat you again? CHRISTIAN AND ANA WATCHED THE TAPE. I’VE RUMBLED IT. THEY WATCHED THAT DAMN TAPE AND THEY’RE BOTH DOOMED.
28. “I make this kind of money every 15 minutes.” I hate him.
29. “Why do you have my bank account details” SOUND THE CONTROLLING PYSCHO ALARM.
30. Kim Basinger’s comeback channeling Joan Rivers 2.0 = Christian’s cougar virginity-taker!!!
31. “You need to walk or I’ll carry you.” SOUND THE CONTROLLING PSYCHO ALARM.
32. He had a PI follow her? The controlling psycho alarm is done. It’s worn out. Finished.
33. Where’d that lippie come from?
34. Hang the fuck on, she drew a lipstick vest on him and suddenly the fact that he’s an utter psycho stalker is all forgotten?! Come again?
35. Why so many glamorous dresses, Christian? What a strange thing to have your closet readily populated with.
36. Bum goals, Dakota. Bum goals.
37. Before stuffing her full of Ben Wa Balls: “You have to get them wet first.” OH NO HE DID NOT.
38. She looks like a fancy ostrich queen.
39. I’m getting served some Cinderella Story realness RN.
40. Oh, look, they let Rita Ora get rid of that shit wig.
41. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA I WILL LITERALLY NEVER STOP LAUGHING AT THOSE DODGY PHOTOSHOP JOBS. The framed photos of ‘young Christian visiting world landmarks’ are as realistic as this:
42. “I’m not taking any chances having you in my high-security, untouchable fortress of an apartment. Let’s just stay on my boat.” #horrormovielogic
43. Is she wearing men's boat shoes? Those things are the size of actual boats.
44. Side note: When was the last time she went to goddamn work???
45. AS. IF. He could flip her over using just that ankle-clamping sex stick and not do her hips some serious damage. Ouch.
46. Urgh. Fitty McBossman turned rapey. Like everything else, saw that one coming.
47. Senior publishing executives take the word of a front desk receptionist r.e. taking a chance on a new author without question. Receptionist then proceeds to get handed top job. SCREW YOU, REAL WORLD CAREER LADDER.
48. “Take your panties off…” in a posh restaurant full of randos, “OK then! Here you go.” WHO DOES THAT. Imagine just de-pantsing yourself post-dinner at the table. Nope. Can’t. Ever.
49. Literally everyone in that elevator knows you’re getting finger-blasted, babes.
50. HOLY FUCKING SHIT – THE GIRL FROM THE RING SHOT THE WALL.
51. “Master”? Commanding hand movements? Who does this dude think he is? A dog trainer? Magneto?
52. “KNEEL”? DON’T KNEEL, YOU DAMN IDIOT. WHERE ARE YOUR FEMINIST MORALS?!
53. YAS, ANA! WALK THE HELL AWAY!
54. Pisses down with rain, has a hood, leaves her hair hanging outside of it. Infinite eye rolls
56. “The right term is a sadist… I get off on punishing women.” How do they even keep a straight face saying this stuff?!
57. Oh, he let her touch his man boob. What a fucking romantic gesture. Surely she isn’t going to fall for that shhhhh…. Oh and they’re boning again.
58. Has a bad dream, wakes up, asks her to marry him. Well doesn’t that sound like the foundation of a healthy relationship?
59. Who works out to Sting?
60. What is this gymnastical wizardry?! A full body boner?
True story: It was at this point my plus one exited the cinema and went home.
61. Well, that helicopter crash was the most pointless, least thought-out, half arsed plot twist of all time.
62. Haven’t you just escaped a near death helicopter crash? How are you throwing her around all over the shop?
63. Kim Basinger/Joan Rivers 2.0 is not happy about Christian and Ana’s engagement. She looks like she just witnessed the world’s fugliest Z-lister red carpet dress on Fashion Police.
65. Dropping your napkin on the floor before storming out has got to be the least dramatic exit of all time, right?
66. DAT. RING. THOUGH.
67. Fitty McBossman VonRapey is back to put his ciggie out on everyone’s faces in a cliff-hanger that absolutely everybody saw coming. Will I really put myself through a third instalment of this? Yes, probably. Roll on Feb 2018.