Lifestyle

36 things I wrote down while watching 'Fifty Shades Freed'

Spoilers. Obviously.

By: Mahalia Chang

It's that time of year again. As we close in on Valentine's Day, our favourite annual event, the dropping of a new Fifty Shades of Grey movie, is finally here.

There's cars! IKEA-designed homes! Relationship problems! Rita Ora! 3.4 minutes of contractually-mandated sex scenes! Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson staring emptily into each other's eyes while desperately trying to convince us they don't absolutely loathe each other.

Fifty Shades Freed — get it? It's like Free Willy — starts off with Anatasia Steele and Christian Grey's wedding, which was designed by the same person who does Kimye's flower walls, and goes into their idyllic Euro honeymoon.

But that's just the beginning! Soon, Bella and Edward's — uh, we mean, Ana and Christian's perfect life is threatened by crazy stalkers, high-speed car chases through Seattle! And lots and lots of couples drama.

We sat in on an advanced screening of the movie and dutifully documented our whirling, confused thoughts.