Your best friend's 30th, your sister's graduation, your own birthday party... totally fine to be a dick. But the one place you absolutely, definitely, categorically can NOT be even the tiniest little piece of a dick is a wedding. Any wedding. Even your ex's.
You're a dick if you wear white
Yes, even though the symbolism is obsolete because you know far too much about your friend's sexual history for that virginal charade. Sure, you can toe the line with a white floral number if you're comfortable risking the wrath of the entire bridal party, but just remember: not all dicks are created equal.
You’re a dick if you air your anti-marriage sentiments during the reception
This includes engaging in heated political discussions about same-sex marriage – yes , even if you happen to be attending a same-sex wedding. A couple's wedding day is about them and only them – no one cares about your opinions, valid as they may be.
You’re a dick if you get drunk enough to spill anything on the bride’s dress
See also: when you rave to other guests about the "free booze" (which shows why you're really there) or complain about the lack of options behind the bar (which you're not even paying for). Just have a wine and you'll be fine. And stop at six if you're off your tits.
You’re a dick if you bring along the guy you met last week, even if you’re convinced he’s The One
If your invite didn't say "Your Name Plus Guest", you don't get one. Deal with it. Your mate isn't forking out another $80 so some random she's never met can get fed.
You’re a massive dick if you bring along an ex-partner of the bride or groom as your plus one
This should be an obvious one.
You’re a dick if you stand in front of the photographer and block his view
Did they pay you actual cash money to take photos for them? No. Are you doing a better job than the professionals? No. And be really honest with yourself: are you ever even going to scroll back through the wedding camera roll to relive every second of the bride walking down the aisle? Probably No.
You’re a dick if you insist the bride and groom cater to your OTT diet
Allergies? Vegetarianism? Veganism? Sure, fine. Sending through precise ratios for your macros, requesting gluten-free when you're non-coeliac, or asking them to postpone the banquet to cater for your prolonged fasting is no good thing, chicken wing.
You’re a dick if you refuse to hit the D-floor
"I don't dance" just doesn't cut it when the bride's been posing for pics and making small talk with her groom's second cousins all damn day and just wants a boogie with her mates. There's nothing more depressing than an empty dance floor at 10pm – it's everyone's responsibility to ensure it's pumping. Go out there and sway, dammit.
You’re a dick if you pash someone inappropriate on the dance floor
Awkward. Oh, and also a dick if you start a fight with someone on the dance floor. Kind of enough said, really.