I'm frothing like a freshly-made cap over here. The new Bachelor In Paradise is finally upon us and I'm embracing my inner messy bitch who fucking lives for this drama.
BIP is like your average Bachie on steroids and will feature a shit-tonne of ex-contestants on an island vying for each other's affections. In short, it'll be cooked.
But, in our excitement, we've glossed over the major advantage we have as viewers this time around. Usually we don't know any of these shmucks from a bar of soap. This time, it kinda feels like they're our mate's exes or something. And while we look back at some of those exes almost fondly, we wouldn't be sorry if a rogue football were to smack the others square in the gonads. Hard. Y'know, if I'm gonna get specific about it.
What I'm trying to say is, I have pre-conceived opinions about these dudes and I'm not afraid to express them (potentially spouting wild untruths in the process). So, do any of them cut the mustard?
Drew comparisons to George Clooney for his silver locks and dashing good looks. He was pleasant enough too. But did get a bit huffy when The Intruders™ (including eventual winner Stu Laundy) came into the mansion. Not here for sulkers, m8.
Oh, Michael. What to make of you? The ex-professional soccer player (who totally couldn't save a goal, BTW) had his critics in Sam Frost's series. Namely because of that time he used a stock shot of Cristal champagne pretending to be partying on Instagram. :( But I think he was nice? I really liked his mum if I remember correctly (OK, I'm quickly realising I'm a loser with no life).
Fuck, I love Jarrod. Yeah, he had that whole 'would -wear-Sophies-skin-as-a-coat' thing going on, but seeing him get his heart smashed into smithereens was gut-wrenching. Plus, OWNS A VINEYARD.
Referred to Sophie Monk's boobs as 'cans'. Need we go on?!
To paraphrase the Flight of The Conchords – he's so hot, he's making me sexist and I'm the friggin' Boom King.
Like, COME ON. He was the Hulk's body double. He makes roses appear from nowhere. He has fucking miniature ponies. Actually can't with Apollo – too perfect.
Mack was cute until he was alone with Sophie for two minutes and basically told her he used to bash one out over her music videos. But apart from that, good guy.
Not going to lie. Forgot Eden existed. But this was an error on my part.
His surname is Schwencke, which is quite frankly phenomenal. Get it, girl.
Nice bloke. Didn't see much of him? Getting 'Triple, Venti, Soy, No Foam Latte' vibes from him?
Side note: Why are all these guys from Sophie's series?!
Top 3 in Georgia Love's series. Seemed nice, maybe a bit intense? I'm struggling now.
Think he was the one who got pissed all the time whose sole purpose was to be a total 'lad'? Says he's 'Absolutely ❤️~single' on Instagram. Tbf, you'll find a trillion Davey's kicking about Icebergs.
One of the American exports. On his season of US BIP, Grant wasn't all that remarkable. He shacked up with our favourite, loveable trainwreck Lacey early on, so all he really contributed was incredibly cringey public makeout sessions in the pool.
Oh that and the fact they got matching tattoos on their wrists, so he'll have 'Gracey' — their couple name — emblazoned in plain view while trying to pick up new women LOL.
Canadian Daniel is no stranger to Bachelor nation. He was on JoJo's season and then two seasons of American BIP — fourth time's a charm?
His tendency to refer to himself as "The Eagle" as well as a Greek God might make your skin itch. That, and the ~pesky~ habit of referring to the women as dogs.
When he was courting Ashley I, who was a virgin, he came out with this 'gem':
Prepare for a lot of maple syrup showers and references to Canadian bacon. Gross.
Also, this photo on his Instagram solidifies him as the anti-banter, IMHO:
Saving the worst for last. Blake — whose bio described him as an "ego-driven rule-breaker" — placed fourth on Sophie's season, meaning he made it all the way to the hometown dates and introduced Soph to his family. He was a total dick on the show (and pissed on Jarrod's pot plant!). But after the series aired, it was revealed he'd been convicted of viciously assaulting a man in 2015.
Channel Ten released a statement to Perth Now on his behalf. It read: "I am truly remorseful and accepted full responsibility for my actions."
Days later, Perth Now reported that Blake was under investigation for allegedly threatening to sell nude photos of his ex-girlfriend — who happens to be Jen Hawke, from Matty J's season of The Bachelor.
The Daily Mail says a source told them that Jen had taken out an AVO against Blake.
Basically, the fact this dude is even on the show is absolute bullshit. End of.