Justin Bieber didn't write that whack Instagram engagement post, his alter ego did

Talking about your life in terms of 'seasons' is a mood.

By Susannah Guthrie

Well, we're finally here. Justin Bieber has officially confirmed his engagement to model Hailey Baldwin, the spawn of the less-famous Baldwin brother who possesses cheekbones I could use to grate the mozzarella for my Friday night pizza.

Justin's statement is a sprawling, erratic, emotional clusterf*ck written by a man who clearly doesn't know up from down because he's too loved up.

He's about two metres away from Tom Cruise couch-jumping realness.

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In some ways, it's a surprise. In other ways, this is the only way this could have played out.

Because, folks, I've always felt that grown-up Justin Bieber had two speeds.

Speed one Justin is a church-going, shirtless skateboarding, tattooed 20-something who enjoys hanging with his boys, promoting his tour merch on Instagram and doing the occasional shout-out to his mum and dad. He loves his little brother. His ex-girlfriend is Selena Gomez. He makes sense.

This is speed one Justin in a nutshell:

Speed two Justin is a beautiful enigma. One minute he's smuggling monkeys into Germany, the next he's pissing in a mop bucket.

He's deleting his Instagram without any explanation, he's sitting in public parks barefoot feeding the birds, he's tweeting about being #blessed, dressing like Kris Jenner and bleaching his hair blonde. He's sick of playing the hits and is going to give you something acoustic. He wants you to ask him how he's feeling, not whether you can get a selfie.

His ex-girlfriend is that Insta model his security brought backstage the other night. He's super close with Jaden Smith atm.

Speed two Justin is the one who wrote this engagement post.

Here are some of my favourite lines. Let's see if we can decipher them together.

"Listen plain and simple Hailey I am soooo in love with everything about you!"

"Hailey, you listening? No, be serious. This is no time for selfies. Hailey! This is serious stuff, I wanna put a ring on it!

"No, no, c'mon, of course you have a say. Don't be like that."

"Loving you patiently and kindLY"

I like reading this out loud as it's intended: with a very weird emphasis on the second syllable of 'kindly'.

"Can't wait for the best season of life yet"

What is this, a Yeezy show? Why we talking about life in seasons? Hailey, honey, don't get too comfortable because come autumn who knows what will happen.

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"The number seven is the number of spiritual perfection, it's true GOOGLE IT!"

"That doesn't sound righ... oh, hold on. Yep. Google has confirmed it. Phew."

"My goodness does feel good to have our future secured!"

This part sounds like a 68-year-old woman named Beverly talking to her husband in a life insurance ad.

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The lack of grammatical integrity in this sentence gives me anxiety. I imagine JB was so amped while he was typing that he literally didn't care what came out.

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Buckle up folks, this is going to be a wild ride.

Can someone call Hailey and check she's approved this 'Crazy in Love' phase? Kendall, you got this?