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10 very real feelings I had watching ‘Harry & Meghan: A Royal Romance’

“The second I saw the chicken I started to sob.”

By Katie Stow

I know that we're gearing up for the royal wedding, and the whole world has gone nutty over every single teeny, tiny detail — but I think we need to take some time to talk about the ~real~ love story that we got to witness with our very own royal-obsessed eye balls: Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's Lifetime movie.

Old mate Markle Sparkle ain't a stranger to a Lifetime movie — starring as the lead in a fair few of them — but this one is the first film about the Duchess-to-be, with someone else playing her. The casting seemed to be quite focused on the physical look of the actors, which I'm not against, because the success of a made-for-TV biopic is based purely on whether you are able to squint your eyes, cock your head, and fool yourself into believing they're the real deal.

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Parisa Fitz-Henley was cast to play Meghan Markle and Murray Fraser slotted into the role of Prince Harry. Parisa was a dead ringer for Meg, fully making me double take a fair few times, and Murray was a ginger, so it kinda worked.

While the Lifetime movie did get the cast pretty much on point, where the true genius lies in these made-for-TV films is in the script. And BOY did it deliver.

Charles pulled out this whopper mid-way through the movie saying, "Toronto is fine because Mother's on the currency there," and if that isn't proof then I don't know what is. Need more? Harry gives a bracelet to Meghan that matches his and says, "So when I see you on Instagram and you see me in Tatler, we'll know we're thinking of each other." STEP ASIDE SHAKESPEARE.

Here, I run through the 10 very strong opinions I had about the shit that went down in Harry & Meghan: The Royal Love Story.

1. This movie rips the shit out of Kate and Will’s relationship

Obviously Harry's big brother and sister-in-law feature in this Lifetime film, so I wasn't shocked when their plummy little faces popped up, but what I was taken aback by was how nasty their edit was. The couple was made out to be bitchy, stuck up and rather unhappy in their marriage. There was also some hella awkward exchanges between the two of them, with Kate explaining that it's fine to 'settle' with marriage before prodding Wills and saying, 'Marriage is fine, right?' before a bloody awkward silence.

2. Kate Middleton is a bitch

Kate was portrayed as the bitchy high-schooler who just happened to be not-so-low-key racist too. In a chat with William, Charles and Harry, she plainly says, "She's American, she's divorced, she's black," enunciating it like it was pure torture coming out of her mouth.

She also is besties in the movie with the palace arsehole, Bella. She claims that she has good insight and taught her how to survive in this royal world, but really they just seemed like bitchy mates who sat around drinking martinis and slagging off anyone and everyone.

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Kate does get a little better by the end, somewhat bonding with Meghan and accepting her as a new addition to the fam, stating, "Us commoners have to stick together," in world's poshest accent.

3. Prince George and Princess Charlotte are American

This was one heck of a surprise! When cherub cheeked George and adorably shy Charlotte arrived in the movie, I thought I was going to get a weird parallel universe-insight into what the real deal royal kids are like.

However, what I actually got was a yanky kid pretending to be a Brit. It was weird.

4. I now have my new favourite innuendo…

During a chat between Will and Kate about the new royal couple, Will coined the phrase, "He Botswana-ed her." Which was FOR SURE royal chatter for rumpy-de-pumpy.

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Despite the plumminess of it all, this now my new favourite phrase, and I will use it in as many scenerio as physically possible.

"How did Greg's date go?" "Oh he only went and bloody Botswana-ed her!"

"Did you pass the exam?" "Mate, I didn't just pass, I Botswana-ed that bugger!"

"Big night?" "Let me tell you, I was absolutely Botswana-ed!"

5. Harry and Meghan had VERY different requirements going in to their relationship

When their mutual friend, Violet, was trying to match-make, both Harry and Meghan had their personal priorities for their first date. Meghan said to Violet, "I only want to know one thing: Is he nice?" And Harry said to Violet, "All I need to know: Is she hot?"

Luckily Violet had a witty-ish comeback, saying to the cheeky Prince, "Let's just say, if you weren't a Prince, you wouldn't have a shot."

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6. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle went to a party in Toronto dressed as Hilary Clinton and a frog

This is honestly just a sentence that I'm really happy is in my life now.

7. Harry and Meghan maybe, definitely, possibly had a face off with a lion

During their second trip to Botswana in the movie the couple have a bit of a fight after Harry refuses to open up to Meghan about Diana's death, and Harry storms off into the wild African plains, with Meghan running after him.

They stop in their tracks when they see an actual lion waltzing towards them. The two freeze and just stare at this lion, praying that their semi-valuable selves don't get ripped to shreds by Simba.

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I'm pretty sure this didn't happen IRL, making this an even weirder scene in this already quite odd movie.

8. Harry had a bitch-fest about Diana

This scene was almost as unexpected as the lion one, because Harry (repped in the media for having a huge amount of respect for his mum and missing her like crazy) went to town about how shit she was (in the film). He said that she was "difficult and sad" and that she put on her heroic, charitable, best-self for the cameras but that she was really an attention seeking looney-toon.

He even referenced her walk through a mine-field in Africa as a PR-stunt, claiming that she said she was probably the safest person in Africa at that very moment.

Being a bit of a Di fan, I was cheesed off that the film took this angle. Back off from the Princess of the People, bitch.

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9. Harry *actually* proposed in Botswana

When I say actually, I mean actually in the movie (which is now my trusty source for all things Hazza and Megs). They framed it as a proposal in bed after the fight-Diana-lion-makeupsex-scene, which kinda sucked the romance out of it a little, because it seemed a tad too reactive.

Like, I'd still say yes if Prince Harry popped the question to me in that way, but I'd also tell our grandchildren a fake (but better) proposal story.

10. OKAY, I CRIED DURING THE CHICKEN PROPOSAL SCENE

The story that we all know from IRL Harry and Meghan's engagement interview is that Harry got down on one knee while they were roasting a chicken at home, so I was hard-key hoping that we still got to see this proposal.

It was riiiiiight at the end of the movie (spoiler alert) and boy was it cute. Though, to be honest, I was emotionally on the brink (because rom coms have a tendency to destroy me) so the second I saw the chicken I started to sob.

Absolutely no idea what Harry said in his proposal because I was crying too aggressively, but I can imagine it was probably pretty eloquent/romantic/adorable/any other descriptive word that would describe a ginger prince.

Now watch the IRL love story, if you can deal with round two of the feels: