Permit me to shed a little bit of context before the vitriol flows through my keyboard. I’d never watched an episode of Gossip Girl until reasonably recently (I know, right?) until I realised Netflix had all 6 seasons on there for all my binging needs. So my flatmate Amy and I proceeded to binge the shit out of it.
Imagine my sheer joy being introduced to Blair Waldorf (kween) and the gang? Reliving some serious teenage angst, crushing hard over Chuck Bass (and sometimes Nate) and truly being privy to the scandalous lives of Manhattan’s elite.
However, there was one irksome force who threatened to spoil what’s otherwise been a thoroughly joyous experience of the Upper East Side.
And that’s Dan Humphrey.
The problem was, I knew Dan was Gossip Girl before I even watched the show. So even from the very beginning, I wasn’t particularly fond of the beautiful hipster from Brooklyn. But 6 seasons deep? I HATED that superfluous dickwad. Bit harsh, you might say? Hear me out…
1. He actually created a character for himself: Lonely Boy, the romantic outsider. Visions of grandeur? Classic psychopath behaviour. Also, piss off Dan, you’re not Oscar Wilde. More on this later.
2. He slut-shames Serena in the second episode. When he discovers she slept with Nate before they'd even been on a first date and waaay before they 'd even properly met! But he’s all “I thought you were different.” Get f*cked, Dan.
Don’t you apologise, Serena!
3. In fact, he slut-shames probably every single female character in Gossip Girl as his evil alter-ego, at one point in time.
4. The whole creepy AF premise of “Spotted, Serena in Lonely Boy’s bed.” ‘Spotted’ anywhere is reeeeeeally creepy, IMHO.
5. He somehow manages to bag Hilary Duff. Then ignores Hilary Duff, his actual girlfriend, while he’s having a threesome with Hilary Duff and his best mate Vanessa. What a cad.
6. Hooks up with Georgina Sparks despite her trying to ruin the lives of all his nearest and dearest (Sidenote: Georgina is effing great, potentially the best thing about GG. Along with Dorota. And Cyrus.)
7. He cheats on Vanessa with Serena while Vanessa’s in Haiti.
8. Makes up a rumour that Serena has an STD. Spreads it all over the interwebs. Can’t really remember why he did that, come to think of it?
9. Posts really crappy things about his little sister Jenny from the get-go, culminating in him revealing she lost her virginity to Chuck Bass, aka the dude who once tried to rape her.
10. OH YEAH, and he’s basically mates with Chuck, despite the whole ‘tried to rape your little sister’ thing.
11. The whole love affair with Blair. WTF, Dan. Were you even in love with her? Or did you just like the idea of using Queen B to get to the top of the social ladder?
12. His satirical book.
13. His second satirical book.
14. The fact he’s actually got no imagination. Calling your characters ‘Sabrina’ and ‘Claire’? #Satire. #SlowClap.
15. Making Serena a vapid and vacuous loser in said books, despite supposedly loving her.
16. Ruining Blair’s wedding to Louis by filming her and Chuck beforehand and posting it to Gossip Girl. DURING the ceremony. Dick.
17. Letting Serena (then Chuck) take the fall for posting the video during the ceremony.
18. Then when Serena tells him she loves him at the reception and he’s like “yeah, whatever,” and goes off with her best friend.
19. Posting Blair's diary on Gossip Girl coz he's a vindictive bastard.
20. And he’s the one who gets to be on his high horse **and be judgemental all the time?!**
21. When he allowed Serena to seduce him while he was still technically with Blair and bang him in the same bar where she banged Nate. It did provide the shortest sex tape in history.
22. When he fake-dated Serena, just so he could write a chapter in his lameo book.
23. When he released another truly awful profile of Serena, saying she had daddy issues and was a big old hot mess.
24. Which is really the worst case of negging we’ve ever seen. He wanted her bad. And instead of telling her that, he decided to release the horrible stuff he’d written about her before he released the nice stuff. ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP KLAXON.
25. When the whole premise of the show was based on soddin’ Dan Humphrey’s Oscar Wilde complex. (Oscar Wilde: “The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.” Dan Humphrey: “You’re nobody until you’re talked about.”)
So, I know, great idea – I’ll ruin everyone else’s lives with a malicious anonymous gossip site. Mwahaha!
26. Just the fact he profited as his friends and family crumbled from the corruption that he revealed.
27. My flatmate Amy did a psychopath test in character as Dan. Her results? “Your score for primary psychopathy was higher than 97.54% of people who have taken this test.” Clutching at straws yet?
28. Even Penn Badgely hates him. He went as far to call him a "judgemental douchebag".