1. First things first, period pain is not a competition. But while some people are lucky enough to have a few cramps when Aunty Flo pops round for tea, when your time of the month arrives, it's a crippling, debilitating fiery pit of hell that genuinely knocks you out for a day or three.
2. Public transport is your enemy during this time. Once you made the mistake of getting the bus/train/ferry during a bad period day. You nearly fainted/puked/smacked a man in the face.
3. You have these things I like to call "periodsodes". Y'know, those 2 hour long episodes where your body is suddenly taken over by a violent spasming pain, you can barely see or speak, and want to vomit. Sometimes with a cheeky migraine thrown in for shits and giggles. Before the episode you feel a bit peaky, during it you think you are giving birth or dying, and after you emerge dripping in sweat, tired and wanting to curl into a ball.
4. During your 'periodsodes' you have epic moments of clarity. The pain is so intense, it's like having a religious experience (maybe). You start putting things in perspective, like the fact you started a fight over your boyfriend losing those Domino’s 2 for 1 vouchers.
5. You block out your period in your diary with a calendar reminder entitled WARNING: THE FIERY GATES OF HELL AWAIT.
6. Unless you have irregular periods, which, like an unfortunate ex-boyfriend, turn up exactly when you don't want them (girl, I feel your pain).
7. The back spasms. Can we please address the back spasms. My womb isn't located there but my god it feels like some crazy shit is going on back there.
8. Not being able to eat ANYTHING, even though that's what you need. Normally, stuff like chocolate and all the carbs help with periods. Instead, you're trying not to be sick while someone tells you to "eat something, it will make you feel better". DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT.
9. ...but you've learned the hard way that taking painkillers on an empty stomach is not the answer. Oh dear God the churning.
10. The only positions that alleviate your pain: Curled into a ball on your bed; lying, starfished on a cold or warm floor (for some reason this helps); hunched over your stomach; breathing in and out, pacing around your bathroom; hugging the toilet screaming 'WHY GOD WHY'.
11. Traditional period remedies are as helpful as a chocolate teapot. Bubble baths, hot water bottles - don't quite cut it.
12. When you found out Ibuprofen + Paracetamol could be taken together, your life changed. But you have defo been to the doctor to ask for something stronger.
13. Woe betide the kind friend/family member/partner that tries to help you. NO TOUCHING PLEASE.
14. Things you wish existed: A badge you could wear saying I HAVE PERIODS FROM HELL, MOVE AWAY. Or a get-out-of-work clause written into your contract for bad days when you can't get out of bed.
15. You've been late to work or school, or missed days completely. Aunty Flo doesn't give a shit that you've got a meeting to attend.
16. During period-gate, you only want to wear the loosest clothing in existence or sweatpants. Ideally in dark colours. Even fabric touching you makes your skin crawl when the cramps begin.
17. Doctors will usually suggest you take the pill, or give you painkillers to try and help. It does f*ck all though.
18. Your period will ruin events and experiences. I missed a whole day of my honeymoon due to my period, seeing the inside of the hotel bathroom rather than the sights of New Orleans.
19. But when it's over, you gleefully jump out of bed yelling "NOT TODAY SATAN" at your womb.
Source: Cosmo UK