THE FIRST TRIMESTER: 1. Holy shit, how did this happen? I thought this would never happen. This only happens to other people.
2. Now what do I do? 3. Should I have waited for my husband to come home before I did the pee-stick thing? Is that, like, a thing you do together?
4. I know. I’ll get an app. It will tell me everything I need to do. Way more useful than mum and mum-in law, who between them have incubated, delivered and raised 12 babies. What would they know about having kids in 2016? 5. Eats all of the things as normal has a panic attack fifteen minutes after consumption because you forgot you’re not allowed to eat all of the things anymore. 6. My app says the baby is the size of a sesame seed. Is this a joke?
7. Wait, a sesame seed is really small. Like, really small. Am I going to lose it somewhere inside of me? **8. Can I pee it out?** **9. If I poop too hard am I going to push it out?! **
10. We probably shouldn’t have sex anymore in case the sesame seed ends up back where it came from which would completely defeat the purpose of me giving up wine and soft cheese. 11. OMG don’t mention soft cheese. Or any cheese for that matter. Will I ever love cheese again? I feel like I’ll never enjoy food in general EVER AGAIN.
12. Surely everyone around me has picked up on the fact that I’m pregnant. When do I ever say no to alcohol? They’re on to me. They definitely know. Everyone is staring at my stomach.
13. Do you think anyone at work will notice if I go sleep in the toilet cubicle for, like, 2 hours?
14. Is it normal to not be able to lift your arms up to your keyboard because they feel like they’re made of lead? Is my whole body currently turning into lead? Googles "pregnancy symptoms: should I feel like lead?"
- 9:30am -** How long til home time?**16. No seriously, can I poop it out?
17. *At the ultra sound* Me: OMG IT LOOKS LIKE ME! Sonographer: It is just a tadpole at the moment. Me: NO BUT IT TOTALLY HAS MY PROFILE! **18: When does “the glow” start? **
SECOND TRIMESTER: 19. Holy shit I’m huge. There’s literally no hiding this thing anymore. Why isn’t anyone offering me their seat on the bus? Sticks non-existent belly out further.
20. Oh, hello, appetite! Welcome back to the party.
21. Why does everyone keep asking me about a birth plan? Where does one find one of those? 22. I thought the 2nd trimester was when you stop being tired and start glowing like a f**king teenager on summer holidays in the Greek Islands? 23. OMG, the next time I see an island I will probably be menopausal. ~Reality setting in.~
24. Oh, hello, thighs. You must be my appetite’s plus 1? 25. How can you tell if it’s a kick or IBS? 26. Oooh, now that I have a bump I can totally take maternity style cues from Kim Kardashian and Chrissy Teigen. Thou shalt not buy from the maternity section!
27. I can’t wear anything that is tight. Or touches my skin. I actually can’t wear clothes. GET THEM OFF ME. Wears same elastic thing every day for the next 6 months. 28. I’m gonna do this labour thing alllllllllllll natural because my body is a temple and pain is all in the mind and I used to get REALLY bad period pain when I was 16 so I KNOW I got this.
29. When people tell you that you have no idea what you’re in for once the baby is born… Ummm yeah, I have two dogs who are basically my children so I am pretty sure I’ll be fine kthx.
30. When do people start addressing me again, as opposed to my bump? Seriously, if one more person man-handles my stomach... 31. When the bus seat offers finally start flowing – “yessssssssssssss.”
32. Does every single gender guessing theory possible from the ring on the chain to the Chinese Gender Calculator.
Someone says: “you could just find out.”
Me: SHUT UP NO I CAN’T WHO EVEN SAYS SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!
THIRD TRIMESTER: 33. Drops thing on floor. That thing is dead to me.
34. I can’t seriously need to go to the toilet again, can I? 35. Goes to toilet again That’s it?! That’s all that was in there?!
36. Girlfriends: “OMG my lunch made me sahhhhh bloated”
Me: Please, tell me more.
37. Is it normal for you to feel like your pelvis is crumbling into a million tiny little pieces? **36. *Googles: "how much air supply do you really need to survive anyway?"* **
37. Whenever a man makes a joke about being fat/eating too much gluten or just says “you’re pregnant” – YEAH AND I’M GONNA SNAP STRAIGHT BACK YOU F**KING TELLE TUBBY, WHAT’S YOUR EXCUSE?! (Now is a good time to practice your breathing techniques.)
38. Maltesers are OK for breakfast because they look like cereal. 39. When men give you advice about how to cope with labour (because their witnessing their children's birth makes them way more experienced than you, the one who hath never given birth):
40. “Can you feel your baby kick?”
“Um I’m fairly certain I’ve already lost three ribs to this kid. It’s not cute anymore.”
41. It should be perfectly acceptable for heavily pregnant women to break wind in public without feeling like they’re being judged. I’m going to start a hashtag. 42. When people say “HA! This is the easy part! Wait til it’s born!” Yeah, my kid won't be anything like your kid.
- I just need to lie down.** No wait, I need to sit up. One more pillow will help. Maybe two. No OK let’s try this side position. Other side. No OK let’s try lying down again.44. The universe’s cruellest joke is giving this kind of appetite to a pregnant lady who can’t eat more than three bites without feeling like she’s broken her spine and/or ribs.
45. *Googles: “Can I be put to sleep during labour.” “Painless ways to remove foetuses.” “Was this all just a dream?” "How to keep a newborn alive."
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