Lifestyle

The Bachelorette conspiracy theories that COULD signal who stays

Puts on detective hat Grabs monocle And pipe

By Lorna Gray

We’re not talking about all those mental BS conspiracy theories – “Sam’s preggo with Sasha’s baby!” and “She’s picked the wrong damn dude!” “Michael takes off his mask and reveals he’s been Blake Garvey all along! deep voice Mwahaha!”

#NOPE.

We’re talking actual tangible facts and things that we can see with our very own eyes. So permit us to go all Sherlock Holmes on homegirl’s butt for just a sec…

Here are The Bachelorette conspiracy theories that be plaguing us ahead of tonight’s penultimate episode.

1. Sasha’s not in the NZ promo shots

Yeah, this isn't pleasant, so we’ll just get it out the way now. Imagine a Bachelorette without Sasha in the final? It’s not a happy place to be. But the final episode sees Sam take her last two suitors to New Zealand to frolic around in rock pools and drink champagne and sht. Waaaay before The Bachelorette* even aired, Network Ten teased us with a sneak peak video, and two scenes appear to show dates taking place in New Zealand (there be snow. There be rock pools). These dates feature Michael and Richie but NOT Sasha. Consider us officially in denial.

2. Richie is not ‘bros’ with the other contestants but Sash sees them ALL the time

This could just mean Richie ain’t down with the other bros, sure. Or it could mean he got the girl… Put it this way, Sash hangs out with Davey and Dave an almost obscene amount (seriously, they’re The Bronas Brothers, check it), and we just don’t think Sam would be up for hanging with them. Michael is bromancing hard too. But Richie? Bar a snap of him and Keiren (who didn’t even get a solo date with Sam) and one of him and Michael from yonks ago, he’s pretty far removed from his former competition...?

3. Michael has come out and said he’s “VERY happy with the outcome”

Yup. He said that exact thing to 106.5FM. Are you "VERY happy" because you’re boning each other and she’s your one true love? In the wise words of shaman Justin Bieber: “What do U Mean?” No, really.

4. EVERYTHING ABOUT WHAT SAM SAYS ABOUT TONIGHT’S ELIMINATION:

“It was extraordinarily emotional... I cried for about an hour afterwards. I think [who I send home] will be a massive shock to people.” If “massive shock” means Sasha goes, we riot*.

*By riot, me mean chuck a pillow on the floor aggressively.

5. Richie is in Melbs right now, Sam is in Melbs right now

Er, so the MailOnline created a super weird useful infographic of Sam and Richie’s whereabouts. Apparently they are both in Melbourne ahead of the final and just a "short ferry trip away". Will they be watching it together?

6. Michael spotted buying a ring in Tiffany’s

Which OBVIOUSLY means he’s proposing to Sam. Yeah, this one’s just a stupid rumour, soz. There are actual pics and everything though... Check them here.

7. Sam previously said that the winner wasn’t a frontrunner (cough, Richie) and is someone who makes her laugh (cough cough, Richie).

8. Wikipedia currently has Michael on the #1 slot

Clutching.at.straws. This HAS to be an alphabetical order sitch or do they know something we don't? #WikiLeaks.

9. Instagood?

People have been scrutinising Sam’s social media activity from the start and some people are speculating she played the role of ‘Richie’s cheerleader’ a little too well. She uploaded a video of her watching the episode where he breakdances as a GILF, and she’s pretty much losing her sh*t cheering him on. Case in point:

Speaking of insta, could this picture be a glimmer of hope in an otherwise bleak, hapless world? Is this Sasha (bottom left)?!

Or wait, is it Richie?!

10. We're all being played like FOOLS

Channel 10 are playing us all like fools dammit and spoon feeding us conspiracies like mushed-up banana to a baby.

Sasha wins, and they just don’t want it to be totally obvious. THEY WILL LIVE HAPPILY EVER, ENJOYING MULTIPLE TONGUE SANDWICHES PER DAY, KAY?!

PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE.