36 things I wrote down while watching 'Fifty Shades Freed'

Spoilers. Obviously.

By Mahalia Chang

It's that time of year again. As we close in on Valentine's Day, our favourite annual event, the dropping of a new Fifty Shades of Grey movie, is finally here.

There's cars! IKEA-designed homes! Relationship problems! Rita Ora! 3.4 minutes of contractually-mandated sex scenes! Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson staring emptily into each other's eyes while desperately trying to convince us they don't absolutely loathe each other.

Fifty Shades Freed — get it? It's like Free Willy — starts off with Anatasia Steele and Christian Grey's wedding, which was designed by the same person who does Kimye's flower walls, and goes into their idyllic Euro honeymoon.

But that's just the beginning! Soon, Bella and Edward's — uh, we mean, Ana and Christian's perfect life is threatened by crazy stalkers, high-speed car chases through Seattle! And lots and lots of couples drama.

We sat in on an advanced screening of the movie and dutifully documented our whirling, confused thoughts.

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  • These two bloody weirdos texting each other as they sit NEXT to one another on a beach, where literally no one can hear them talk about their kinky sex, is new level. Just fucking talk aloud, guys.

  • Ana: I want to take my top off at this topless beach where all these topless women are also topless.
    Christian, Ana's husband but also maybe also Ana's 54-year-old mother with an anxiety disorder: You will do NO SUCH THING. I EXPRESSLY FORBID IT.
    Ana: Hmmm. Fuck you.

  • Dakota Johnson's almost painfully insincere giggling as they run through a random museum.

  • Jamie Dornan's stony face of complete resignation to his acting fate throughout the entire movie.

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  • The inclusion of an 8-minute honeymoon scene which has the express purpose of trying to convince the audience that they're watching two real life humans who don't fucking hate each other.

  • I'm sorry, but Christian Grey packing carry-on safe, portable handcuffs with him on holiday is objectively one of the funniest things ever to happen in a movie.

  • I can't figure out if I'm weirded out or tickled by Ana coming down like the fucking hammer of the gods on her architect for putting her hands on Christian once. Homegirl read her for filth just for the audacity!

  • The concept that Ana can "handle" driving a car because she also "handled" her handsy architect works out because everyone knows that cars + women = same?

  • ALSO the concept that Ana, a 22-year-old book editor, could out-drive Vin Diesel like it's Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift on a busy Seattle road, even though we've only seen her drive Once before in her tiny Beetle.

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  • There was also no ending off the call between Christian and Taylor after Ana's 2 Fast 2 Furious stint, so I can only assume that Taylor was still on the phone when they had their dirty, 0.6 minute car sex. "Uh, hello? Mr Grey? Are you still — oh. Right, you guys are FUCKING AGAIN."

  • Ana jauntily informing her best friend that she, an adult woman with agency, is "going to get in trouble" for having a drink on her own time with her own friend in a public space.

  • Ana literally walking into her office after getting married in that new Valentino tie-front blouse, Woolmark thigh-highs, Louboutin Pigalles, hair snatched, security in tow, and an $18,000 HERMÈS BIRKIN BAG. CLOCKED, BITCH.

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  • Also, does Ana ever work? There are like five office scenes in this movie and all of them involve Ana being whisked away in the middle of a fucking work day. Are you wondering why your 40-year-old colleague is salty that you, a 14-year-old newborn babe, got an editor position when you do 0.5 minutes of work every week and then leave to fuck your hot husband at 11.32am?

  • Why does Ana, a book editor, not have a computer in her office?

  • Christian's random belief that maybe he can just work out his relationship problems with his wife through application of manipulative BDSM. Now that's communication!

  • Also, on the topic on BDSM — which this movie is… about. I can't believe the furthest they ever go is just tying her up? Like, we're meant to believe this is some real kinky shit that is his deep, dark secret but it's just two people having missionary sex but… in handcuffs?

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  • Christian says he had a dream Ana died and there's an eruption of laughter in the cinema. Oh.

  • 'I just never found anyone I wanted to take to Aspen.' Really? No one? You mother? Your father? One of your weird siblings? Literally just a friend? Hell, I would take Ronald McDonald to Aspen if I had to. Fuck outta here.

  • Who is court-marshalling this singing scene, Jamie Dornan? Who is forcing you? Flex your right peck if you need us to send in a rescue team.

  • Also, we've said it once, we'll say it again: This is for sure Twilight fan fiction on steroids. The piano? Come. On. Next scene: Jamie Dornan is going to go suck on a deer coz he's a good vampire.

  • You know what's more romantic that taking a girl out on a helicopter ride or sailing on a yacht down The Sound? Proposing marriage to your long-term girlfriend literally in da club and then grinding on her after. Elliot's got you fucking bodied in the romance department, Christian, sorry!

  • Also, why are we all lusting over Christian when his ridiculously hot, not-sadomasochistic, non-creepy brother, Elliot, is Right There.

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  • Dakota Johnson licking ice-cream off Jamie Dornan's pubis. That shit's gonna stick. Literally.
  • I cannot, in any right mind, believe that the camera-man behind the ice-cream table shot didn't want us to believe Christian was going to shove a spoonful of mint chocolate chip ice-cream straight into Ana's vagina.

  • Christian's Google searches immediately after table-sex: Can you get an infection from having ice cream on your dick? What about mint chocolate chip? Please help me, Google.

  • Ana telling her stoic male model/bodyguard ~Sawyer~ that she's leaving for work in '20 minutes,' after which she then proceeds to wash her hair (???) and is pictured in the car a moment later with a fresh blow-out???

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  • Ana putting her knee-high boots on before putting any clothes on… for some reason?

  • Ana: I'm pregnant.
    Christian: Well, GUESS WHAT. I don't want a baby. I hate it, and I hate YOU, and I'm completely blaming you for everything that's going on right now. And I hate your bangs. Also I'm putting a hit out on your mother.
    Also Christian: Hey, babe? Why are you mad at me? Babe? Hey, babe?
  • Here comes the ~drama~. Christian admonishing Taylor like, 'My sister is missing and my wife just took $5 million out from our bank account, what do you think is happening?' Buddy, it might not be a good thing to point out to the audience how predictable and transparent your plot is. Just saying.

  • Can we get Rita Ora an Oscar up in here? Meryl Streep who? Cate Blanchett who? Miss Ora just gave that cloth gag a Best Supporting Actor nom.

  • Ana constantly cupping her bump-less tummy now she's preggers.
  • Also, is it safe to use a riding crop on a woman who is, like, 8 weeks pregnant? And who recently got out of a coma? Asking for a friend (Ana).

  • ALSO, why didn't this hellscape of a movie end with Ana deciding she wanted to be the dominant, and blind-folding Christian and then hitting him with the riding crop? Life is full of these little missed opportunities.

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  • I love how Christian's noticeable transition into being A Dad is just… wearing a polo shirt. Dads wear polo shirts! I saw it on TLC!

  • Want to practice holding in your own vomit? Sure you do! Watch the end of Fifty Shades Freed, complete with idyllic scenes of Christian and Ana with a little person, in a meadow (?) with another on the way. They made it, guys. Happy Ever After! It's been real. (By real, we mean the exact opposite).

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