If you're anything like me, you have been well and truly sucked in to all the drama that Married At First Sight Australia served up on a plate this season. You've frothed over the extravagant weddings, cringed at the honeymoons, cried through commitment ceremonies, wanted to gouge your own eyeballs out when Troy tried to kiss anyone, stalked all the couples on Instagram and googled their before and after surgery shots. Basically, you're hella invested.
And that's fine. The best of us get dragged into this reality TV vortex, where suddenly the most important thing in your life is you dashing home to watch the show promptly at 7:30pm, and when it's over, realising that you now devote six hours of your life to MAFS every bloody week.
But once you're as invested as that, I believe that you have every right to be royally cheesed off when the show promises you drama, but serves up a cold, sloppy slice of average television.
You will have 100 per cent seen at least one of the five million promo ads for the Married At First Sight season finale. But if you're drawing a blank, let me refresh your memory: They all involved a lot of shocked faces, stressful backing music and in huge letters, they screamed, "Australia's most talked about show is going out with ONE FINAL TWIST!"
Obviously after the shitstorm that was the penultimate episode dropped a fucktonne of twists —with old mate Tracey hooking up with an Ellen DeGeneres lookalike, Sean, and the world's worst toothbrusher, Troy, getting together with Carly for a snog-a-thon.
With serious bombs like those being dropped and then Married At First Sight promising an even better twist in the finale, my hopes were sky rocketing. I was expecting pregnancy announcements, brutal breakups on the couch, a polyamourous sex cult to be formed out of the left-over contestants — LITERALLY ANYTHING!
So, I cleared my schedule to make sure I could watch the show in peace and revel in all the drama that was to come. I grabbed my jar of Nutella, hopped into bed, loaded up the live stream and got ready for shit to hit the fan.
I waited, waited, watched all the couch sessions, all the flashbacks, all the chats, and you know what? NOTHING INTERESTING HAPPENED.
The big twist was nowhere to be found. Sure, there were a few moments of slight ~drama~, when Pat and Charlene let it drop that they hadn't really spoken much, and then Dean tried to accuse Tracey of sending explicit messages to him whilst she was with Sean, but honestly it was no big deal.
I know that this seems like a petty thing to complain about, but when you've stuck with a series for 32 episodes the last thing you want to happen on the final night is to be lied to about what the fook is happening. Honestly, I was so damn invested that they could have advertised the ep as, "An average conclusion where we nicely wrap everything up," and I would have still watched it — so why hype the nation up just to let them down so bloody massively?!
So next time, Married At First Sight, keep things legit. Well, as legit as a you can with a highly produced reality TV show…