Lifestyle

59 things I wrote down while watching episode one of The Bachelor

Basically a sh*t load of capital letters.

By Emily Kerr
the bachelor australia episode one sam

  1. Chest and abs flashed within minutes. Bachelor producers know what’s up.

  1. Is that his dog? This needs to be made clearer.

  1. Works with kids AND BFFs with his dad? You can’t write this stuff.

  1. “I’ve gotta flip my chops!” – Lolz. Oh dad.

  1. Seriously, was that his dog or what?

  1. ABS AHOY! ROUND 2! KEEP 'EM COMING!

  1. I wonder how orange the inside of Sam’s white shirt is? #SprayTan

  1. I wonder how awkward that moment is when the producers are asking the girls to stare pensively into the distance? I wonder what they’re thinking while they’re staring. So, so much staring.

  1. “I hope I walk down that red carpet and he takes one look at me and he’s like, ‘damn’, and I’m like, ‘I know, right?’” – I LOVE THIS CHICK. (Heather.)

  1. Sorry, what was your name? Sjanoejfew?

  1. Did she just compare herself to a parmaigiana? She’s won my heart.

  1. “I never do double, that’s a first” – OH NO SHE DID NOT.

  1. Anal gland????????????? Hahahhaahhahhahhahahaa. Hahaha. Ha.

  1. Balloon animals? This chick obviously spends her spare time scraping the very bottom of the party trick barrel.

  1. Is she flashing him her cha cha cha during her cha cha cha?

  1. Could Heather be more sarcastic?? Stop telling him how unattractive he is!! Awks akws awks.

  1. A selfie? Ok, I’m turning this shit off now. I can’t handle it.

  1. Ok I’m back.

  1. A picture of his arse? I’m leaving again.

  1. Did that just say ‘Personal Assistant’? Hang on, was ‘Kids Entertainer’ just a total lie?

  1. A FRAMED PHOTO OF A ROSE. ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

  1. A couple of beers?????? Don’t even get me started on that one.

  1. I’ve been watching Sandra for five seconds and I’m freaking EXHAUSTED.

  1. OH CHRIST, STOP IT SANDRA. STOP IT.

  1. HOLY HELL, SANDRA. I CAN’T EVEN WITH YOU.

  1. PLEASE STOP IT, SANDRA. FFS. BUT ALSO DON’T. YOU’RE KIND OF AMAZING.

  1. I would probs turn for Emily. Babe Town.

  1. Sandra, are you off your tits already?!

  1. Zilda’s spray tan is INTENSE. That’s some radioactive shizz right there.

  1. ONYA, JACINDA! You grab him and you chat his head off.

  1. ARGH, SANDRA’S OPENED HER BLOODY MOUTH AGAIN.

  1. STOP TALKING, SANDRA.

  1. Heather is KILLING IT. She’s won it. That’s it. Game over. They’re going to make beautiful, sarcastic, comic book nerdy babies and live happily ever after.

  1. OH GOD, BLOODY SANDRA'S OFF AGAIN and she’s got a chronic case of the bullshits.

  1. Literally none of that is true, Sandra.

  1. Lies.

  1. Lies.

  1. More lies.

  1. You realise this was all filmed so everyone’s going to know you’re lying, right Sandra?

  1. FUCKING HELL, SANDRA. CALM DOWN.

  1. Get up there, Sam! GET UP THERE!!! WITNESS THE LIES.

  1. Jacinda’s fake popcorn eating skills are on point. She’s now riding high in my top 5 for that alone.

  1. Sandra is actually just Ja'mie King IRL.

  1. Your 9-year-old daughter told you to go on The Bachelor? Girl’s got attitude.

  1. Yoga in a naked dress? That’s a nip slip just dying happen.

  1. She got changed?! Is it genius? Is it mental? WHY IS IT SUCH A BIG DEAL?!

  1. Sandra is so shy. So reserved. So dainty. So deluded.

  1. Actual blood would be shed over that white rose.

  1. I can’t wait to see Sandra lunge for Emily when she gets it.

  1. Is this the music from the Hunger Games? Fitting.

  1. I WAS WRONG. Go Heather with your white rose!

  1. LOOLOLOLOLOLOLOL at those bitchy reactions. Incredible. My favourite thing about the whole show.

  1. He picked the lumberjack – YAS.

  1. He picked Jacinda – YAS.

  1. Anal Gland got one – YAS.

  1. Too loud? You Sandra? NEVER.

  1. SANDRA’S GOT IT IN THE BAG.

  1. And just when you think it’s all over… WERE THEY JUST REENACTING THE CLAY SCENE FROM GHOST?!

  1. Holy shit, tomorrow night is so far away. Farewell, social life. It was nice knowing ya.