Lifestyle

15 things that don't matter once you turn 25

Skipping DA CLUB last Friday had literally zero negative effect on your life.

1. How popular you were at any previous stage of your life. Oh, you were friends with Jennifer Hawkins in high school? Congrats! I was renowned for my stellar parties in college and then I moved to a new city after graduation and had one friend. Two if you count Erin the Other Intern I sometimes got lunch with but also feuded with over assignments. (I do not count Erin.)

2. Whether or not you've achieved a major life goal you planned to accomplish by 25. Like writing a book or earning a six-figure salary or getting married. You're only 25!

3. How cool your Friday night plans are. Twenty-six was the year I realized staying in with a Lean Cuisine and Netflix on Friday nights was a better way to unwind from a long week than partying. My life only improved from there.

4. Being tanned. The moment you're old enough to know someone personally who has skin cancer is the moment you stop worrying about how even your tan is, and start worshipping sunscreen.

5. Facebook. On your 25th birthday, the fairy from Cinderella comes to you and bibbity-bobbity-boos away all the anxiety you had about that cryptic status Alison posted after Matt's party. Are they hooking up now?! Who gives even one fuck? Certainly not you!

6. Whether you had a boyfriend in school (or uni!). I actually had an Adult Boyfriend ask me about my past relationships once, only to tell me that "school and university boyfriends don't count." It was kind of insulting at the time, but now I think it has a nice clean-slateness to it. Sorry, misogynistic Dave Matthews fan with frosted tips I once dated!

7. How many people you slept with at university. If you went to uni, everyone just assumes it was a lot. Or some. Or none. No one cares.

8. Lip gloss. Once you turn 25, it's just one more thing to get your hair stuck in.

9. How much money your parents have. If anyone makes fun of how much money your parents have, they are the asshole, Alison.

10. Having a "flat stomach." Why are Youngs so obsessed with flat stomachs? I am in my late 20s and I want a Kayla-Itsines-style six-pack. I want to attract wild animals with my sausage abs. And by wild animals I mean attractive 28-year-old tech millionaires.

11. What music you listen to. Remember when going through someone's iPod at a party was the most intimate and revealing thing you could do? "Guys, Dan listens to Interpol. So, yeah, I think I'll make out with him later." After 25 it's like, "Guys, Dan's a Phish phan and I'm marrying him anyway."

12. Where you shop. Before 25: "Where'd you get that cute top?" "I think it's like Isaac Mizrahi... whispers for TKMaxx." After 25: "Where'd you get that cute top?" "TKMaxx," high fives.

13. Being good at sports. Awesome thing about being in your late 20s: If you casually mention that you jog a few days a week, everyone deems you "the athletic one," and now Office Taylor will hit you up ever time she wants to do a charity 5k because "you're a runner!"

14. Wearing makeup every day. It started with Bare-Faced Sundays. By 26, Fancy Fridays are the only day you actually bother with mascara.

15. Your parents' annoying habits. So your dad looks like he's going to consume his whole meal and the table and your whole family every time he takes a bite. No use nagging him about it now. Dude's like 55. He paid for your tuition. Leave him alone.