Two minutes: It would be weird if you replied this quickly. I don't know why I even have my screen still lit up, watching for the typing dots! Just gonna dim the screen and maybe even put my phone in my pocket because I'm cool and this is cool.
Five minutes: ~Phone vibrates~ Oh it's just an email from Groupon. That's just as good as a reply to my text. Or maybe it's better because who doesn't love a deal?
Eight minutes: I'm just gonna check to make sure it went through.
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Nine minutes: ~Turning airplane mode on and off repeatedly~ Ugh you know what, I'm probably standing in one of those dead zones you always hear about. I probably don't really have service even though my bars are full. This is a real thing! I'm pretty sure I heard about it on the news! Let me just move around a little.
Ten minutes: Ok no I definitely have service. How long has it been... Ten minutes?!? I feel like most people look at their phone at least once every ten minutes... You know what, they're probably in the shower or something. I bet that's what it is. And truly you can't rush hygiene.
Fifteen minutes: You know, maybe I'll just put my phone in the other room. I've been meaning to spend less time staring at it anyway and now if they reply I don't want to send another text right away. That'd be weird. Right? Weird?
Thirty-two minutes: Wow it must've been hours since I checked my phone last, surely they've replied. ~Checks phone~ Oh my god, it's been less than 20 minutes??!? This is getting out of hand. Is it weird if I send a follow-up now? Maybe I sent something that's hard to reply to. Ok no definitely not, I literally just said, "hey how's your friday?" What else could I add to this? UGH NO, I'm going to maintain composure, this is fine.
One hour: I should just take the hint — they don't like me. God I can't believe I ever texted them, this is so embarrassing. How is there not yet a tool for unsending text messages? I'm never sending a text ever again, this was the worst idea.
One hour, two minutes: Maybe I'm overreacting. ~Scrolls through message history~ Ok so four days ago, they took almost two full hours to reply and then we had that really great conversation about the weather. And there was that other time like a week ago when they asked me how my Wednesday was going, and that definitely felt flirty to me. Like, Wednesday! How spontaneous! This is just how they text. They're not a big texter! I can live with this.
One hour, three minutes: Actually I don't know, I really value communication and if this is how it's going to be, maybe this is a sign it won't work out. Like what if this had been a really urgent text, like what if I was in the hospital or something and needed immediate help. Do I want my potential future emergency contact to be the sort of person who only checks their texts like once every few hours?
One hour, four minutes: I guess if I was in the hospital and they were my emergency contact, the doctor would call, and some people are more into phone calls than texting, and maybe they'd answer if they knew they were listed as someone's emergency contact.
Three hours: Oh my god... Are they on a date with someone else?????!??!??
Three hours, five minutes: Well we never said we were exclusive. ~Opens Tinder~
Three hours, six minutes: OH MY GOD A REPLY. Let's see what they said... "hey, good, you?" ~Throws phone~
Three hours, seven minutes: There is no way it takes three hours to type three words into a phone and press send.
Three hours, twelve minutes: ~Phone vibrates~ Another reply! "???" OH SO NOW YOU WANT ME TO TEXT BACK RIGHT AWAY? AFTER PUTTING ME THROUGH FOUR CIRCLES OF HELL, WAITING FOR YOUR TEXT? YEAH RIGHT.
Three hours, twelve minutes, forty seconds: Ok fine I'll reply.
Via: Cosmopolitan US