There’s a reason I can’t bring myself to watch from episode 2 and beyond of the latest season of Girls. That reason: Hannah f*ckin’ Horvath.
Look, there is a lot to Lena Dunham’s character Hannah that shines a light on what it’s like to be a twenty-something trying to make it in this crazy world.
The verdict: it's hard out there for a chick. I get it. My parents don't pay for my rent, either. But that's no excuse to be a selfish menace fluent in the art of whinging.
Am I being too harsh? Probably.
But girl's got problems. And I'm not even talking about her OCD. She can't help that. I'm referring to those niggling annoyances that were once cute and fluffy in the beginning but have grown into a beast we simply cannot ignore anymore.
In the wise words of LC, Hannah Horvath is a sucky person. Why? Glad you asked...
1. She’s self-absorbed.
In episode one – fricken right off the bat – we catch a glimpse of just how selfish one Hannah Horvath can be when she tries to mooch money off of her parents. She makes up some quip about being a voice of a generation and we feel for her. That is until, as the episodes unravel, we see the full extent of her sucky selfishness. In the beginning it was bemusing. And then it wasn't.
She's super entitled. It's like, she’s mindful of the fact everyone else in her life has struggles, it’s just her struggles are bigger and more important. Der.
2. She pulls the most stupid faces, like, ALL THE TIME.
I’m not making a point about her actual face. Her actual face is fine. But she pulls these…expressions, when a quirky expression is not called for. NO ONE pulls THAT MANY ridiculous faces. You know when the sight of someone’s face just instantly fills you with rage? Whenever Hannah pulls a stupid face for no apparent reason, that’s me.
3. Her style is... questionable
While we're all about ~freedom of expression~ and girls feeling comfortable in whatever TF they want to wear, I can't help but feel HH's approach to dressing is almost like she puts on an outfit, and then just puts another outfit over the top. I mean, I’m no member of the fashion police, heck I’m not even enrolled in the police academy, but that's my two cents and I'm sticking with it.
No, it f*cking doesn't.
4. She’s unappreciative.
Hannah is a bloody quitter. There I said it. I'm not even sorry.
She only lasted a few episodes at Iowa Writers Workshop. That was after she individually insulted each of her classmates. Sort of like I’m doing this to Hannah now. Moral of the story, the whole premise of Hannah is that she’s striving to be a writer. She seems to try really hard to get in. She gets in, ahead of however many appreciative people, and then throws in the towel at the slightest hiccup. Can guarantee homegirl didn’t pay for her tuition, too.
5. Fran was a legit legend.
Alright, Fran was a legit legend MOST of the time. (Let’s not forget when he kept naked pictures of his ex-girlfriends in his phone to masturbate to. That’s...just not cool, Fran.)
But Hannah was a psycho hose beast to an otherwise, seemingly, mostly legend boyf.
I mean, that time he was trying to help her grade her students’ work – because, he’s a teacher and HOW THE FECK DID HANNAH GET A JOB TEACHING CHILDREN?! – and they had a fight over said work and ripped it and everything was a little OOC. Instead of, you know, addressing the drama in a constructive manner, she marched right into Fran’s classroom to blast him. That was after she convinced Judd Apatow's underage daughter to get a frenulum piercing. Rock on, Hannah.
Anyway, back to Fran. She then goes on a super fun campervan adventure with him, then decides to dump him by locking herself in a public toilet. It's not over, though. She then asks Ray to pick her up in the middle of nowhere and makes him crash his van as she gives him a sneaky BJ – much to his protest – to thank him.
6. I mean, cotton buds should NOT, I repeat, should NOT be shoved into your actual brain.
That’s, just, like the rules of feminism. If you’re losing control of your mental state, see someone who can help. Don’t cut your hair off and stick small objects into small crevices precariously close to your central nervous system.
7. When her eBook editor DIED, all she cared about was her eBook.
Okay, I get it. You worked hard and you had your hopes pinned on that dang eBook getting published, but show a little humanity when your perceived mentor is found floating facedown in the Hudson, mmkay?
8. Even when she’s attempting to do something nice for someone else, there’s an ulterior motive.
Like right after her editor died and Adam insinuated Hannah wouldn’t care if he died, she replied saying she would care ‘very much’. Because she’s planned what she’d say at his funeral.
Excuse me? What kind of monster plans a eulogy for their not-even-dead-boyfriend?
I mean, I could go on. But how long is the internet?
So what did we learn from all of this? That's RIGHT: that Shoshanna, the one we thought was the crazy one in the beginning, is the only sane one around!
Yeah, you heard me.