Farting and yoga go together like peanut butter and jelly, but every once in awhile, a farting during yoga story that's truly special.
Mum blogger Laura Mazza took to Facebook to share an... unique... story about letting one rip while everyone else is trying to namaste.
"I'd like to say I'm making this story up, but alas no. This actually happened tonight. This is long so bare with me," she starts.
Mazza goes on to say that she has muscle separation, and that her "stomach kinda points out like a cone." In an attempt to make her stomach more pre-baby stomach-shaped, she started yoga.
She went to a yoga class, where the teacher had the lights dimmed and candles burning. She hid in a corner, as a person is wont to do when they're in a new fitness class, and waited for the class to start. She noted that everyone else looked like experts, and she felt out of place.
And then, everyone's worst fear came true: The yoga teacher called her out:
"Then ashram yoga guru says loudly "oh we have a new member tonight. We are blessed with the company of....??"
And then I replied with... "oh yes. And I am blessed with your company" I don't know why I said that, probably because I'm a social idiot.
And she said "oh sorry I was after your name."
"Okay" she asked me a few more questions where I fumbled my way through and then I started talking about my muscle separation and her eyes glazed over and I trailed off.
"Welcome" she smiled while her skinny body moved down like a slinky.
We started doing these random positions, moving into the upward facing dog and I feel a nice crack in my back, thinking i can do this...I totally love yoga. I am a yoga girl!! Look at me so fit right now.
But the honeymoon didn't last long. Soon, things turned a little, well, rough.
We move into the downward facing dog... and that's when I started to feel my guts.
Now for the past few weeks I have had IBS Symptoms like something crazy. My farts stink like something mixed between a rotten egg and an incineration plant.
And somewhere between the dolphin position and the three legged dog two of those burning garbage eggs slip out and I fart.
I farted. I farted at yoga. I'm a walking cliche. My pelvic floor has failed me.
They're quiet, so I'm thinking holy fuck, thank god for that. But then we move to some position where my heads between my legs, and the smell hits me like a punch to the nose. I died inside and now I officially smell like something has also died inside.
She then wondered if she should leave, but decided to tough it all. After all, it's just a fart in yoga!
But then, it got worse. When the yoga teacher pushed Laura's back into a position, she tried very hard to hold another fart in. She was unsuccessful.
'We move into the downward facing dog... and that's when I started to feel my guts.'
The loudest trumpet comes out of my ass.
I froze and thought oh my god. Oh my god.
OH MY GOD. Sweet baby Jesus. What just happened. I'm dreaming. Surely. I'm in a nightmare.
My face flushes red and I have tears in my eyes from the embarrassment.
I got up, attempted to roll up my yoga mat but couldn't do it, so I just kinda chucked it to the side.. and grabbed my shoes and socks and my bag all in my arms and basically bolted out the door.
I turn around just as I'm closing the door And look up embarrassed to see everyone on their knees wide eyed staring at me in shock... (or in an awake coma from the smell)
And guru ashram yoga teacher looks at me, bows her head and joins her hands together and says 'namaste'"
Laura ended the story by saying she typed the whole thing while eating a sundae at McDonald's. She vowed never to do yoga again. Fair enough.