1. You love to Netflix and Chill... with Netflix. And maybe some pizza, if things get really crazy.
- Netflix doesn't drink all your booze or eat all your pizza.** Man, Netflix is the BEST boyfriend. Plus, when you pack on that extra 3 kilos from all the booze and pizza, Netflix just wants you more. Netflix can get it.
- Netflix is a reliable constant in your life.** Even when all of your friends are busy and your mum and dad went on a cruise (without you! WTF!), Netflix is there for you. He's not going anywhere. How could he; he's tied to the wall. ("HAHAHAHAHA JK, he can leave whenever he wants, I swear!" I say with crazy, vacant eyes.)
- Netflix doesn't care if you want to spend time apart.** Netflix knows you're also seeing your other boyfriends: the bar, the restaurant, and the movie theatre. Netflix knows there's more than enough of you to go around, and he's cool with it.
- Netflix doesn't care if you make out with other people in front of him.** He's all, "baby, I would never keep a flower so precious just to myself. Spread your seed." (But Netflix says that in a less gross way, because Netflix is perfect.)
6. Netflix knows that sometimes you have to skip plans to hang with him. "Sorry, lady friends. I love you but Amy Poehler wants me to watch her for eight hours straight. Who am I to say no to Amy Poehler? NOBODY, that's who."
- Netflix is literally always* there for you.** If you need to be with Netflix at 4am on a Tuesday because you're stressed out a big presentation tomorrow at work and can't sleep, Netflix drops everything and comforts you straight until the dawn. That's how committed Netflix is to making things between you work. His commitment to you might be creepy if you weren't so equally into it. What can you say? You're just plum crazy about each other!
- Netflix likes to mix it up.** Netflix knows you don't always want the same thing, so he changes things up routinely to keep it spicy. Whatta (not really a) man, whatta (not really a) man, whatta mighty mighty good (not really a) man!
- Netflix can hug your eyeballs.** Which is almost as good as a hug with arms, right? RIGHT??
- Netflix knows what you like.** Unlike some past relationships you could name, Netflix remembers the things you like and then gives you beautiful recommendations based on your preferences. Netflix knows you well and isn't afraid to show it because of some ingrained myth of masculinity that doesn't allow some men to be kind and loving toward their significant others. Netflix gets that, and he looks damn good in all red. It's a bold look, but Netflix knows you like bold fashion choices.
- Netflix also loves "Romantic Comedies With a Strong Female Lead Who's Probably on Her Period But Still a Totally Rational Person Fully Deserving of Love and Affection." **That's Netflix's favourite kind of movie, too!
- Netflix supports all your emotions.** Need to sob over the injustice of the world and also the fact that your fat jeans are now your skinny jeans? Let it out, says Netflix. Want to laugh like a hyena in heat because it's been a long day and goddammit you deserve to spend the evening with Melissa McCarthy? Netflix gets it.
- Your friends love Netflix.* Like, a lot. In fact, they've never been so supportive of one of your relationships before. I mean, they want to spend a lot of time with him, too, but that's good, right? They're just friends, right*?
- Netflix loves your old yoga pants and stained sweatshirt.* Netflix thinks you've never looked better. Netflix is all, "Girl, complete that look with your favourite ratty ol' slippers and let's drink wine directly from the bottle while we cuddle. Oh, yes. Netflix like." (Or something less skeevy. After all, Netflix is a perfect gentleman.)
- Netflix got rid of commercials because you hate them.** Netflix changed an entire industry for you. Your last boyfriend wouldn't even change out of his cargo shorts to go to dinner with your parents. Netflix wins again!