Dear advertisers, we womenfolk are mightily confused and our tiny lady brains need something cleared up.
Chip giant Doritos announced earlier they're introducing 'lady-friendly' chips - just for little old us. Shucks, thanks Doritos! We've been wanting to chow down on gender-specific crisps for EVA.
The lady chips are quieter to eat and a lot less messy. And, more great news, gals - they even come in special packs designed to fit into our handbags. Huzzah!
The ~revolutionary~ new crisps were designed with women in mind. Global chief exec of PepsiCo – which owns Doritos – explained their
mind-boggling reasoning, handily speaking on behalf of women everywhere:
"Although women would love to crunch crisps loudly, lick their fingers and pour crumbs from the bag into their mouth afterwards, they prefer not to do this in public. [Author note: WTFUCKKKKK]
"You watch a lot of the young guys eat the chips, they love their Doritos, and they lick their fingers with great glee, and when they reach the bottom of the bag they pour the little broken pieces into their mouth, because they don't want to lose that taste of the flavour, and the broken chips in the bottom.
"Women would love to do the same, but they don't. They don't like to crunch too loudly in public. And they don't lick their fingers."
But you see, dear advertising friends, this brand new information has got us all in a bit of a tizzy. You're sending us extremely conflicting messages, specifically when it comes to eating food and licking our fingers.
To put it bluntly: ARE WE SUPPOSED TO LICK OUR FUCKING FINGERS OR NOT?
Seductively licking sauce/cream off our fingers? Sexy.
Salvaging delicious Dorito dust from our fingers? Not sexy.
Advertisements are littered with close-ups of women's mouths, licking sauce, ice-cream, their own lips and so on…
This is advertising's societal construct of sexy, non? And now you're telling us we can't lick our chuffin' Dorito dust?
In actual fact, we've been socialised to associate fingers + mouths = sexy to the point of "fingermouthing" being a legitimate Insta trend.
But, of course, this is 2018, and the reaction to the introduction of lady chips was (thankfully) hard and swift.
We'd like to personally take this opportunity to say we'll continue to eat the same chips as our penis-bearing counterparts. Heck, we'll stick our whole damn tongue in that packet to scrape the last tendrils of dusty goodness.
Equally, if we want to lick our fingers to finish off that burger relish then sure - why not. And you know what, maybe we will look sexy doing so (highly unlikely).
Being a woman is fucking exhausting. The constructs of femininity and what's deemed desirable and sexy have plagued society for too long. Let's not let 'eating chips in a womanly fashion' become a thing. It's not a thing. Go forth and scoff those chips, you gorgeous sexy woman, you.
A woman who unashamedly eats Dorito dust. Off her fingers. In public.