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Who was the best Minister for Women: Michaelia Cash or Tony Abbott?

Sure, Michaelia did a stunning job dragging young women with sexist, degrading comments this week, but Tony says abortion is the easy way out, so...

By Kate Wagner

The Minister for Women is one of the most desirable positions in Parliament these days. Their job is to ensure women's issues and gender equality are taken into consideration while developing and implementing policies. But as we all know (thanks to multiple Meninist groups) we don't need feminism because both sexes are treated equally! Coughs, splutters, implodes.

What with women already having the vote and being able to attend university, it's hard to imagine what the Minister for Women even does, which means it must be easy! I'm sure it'd just be Minister for People if we weren't dealing with man-hating feminazis all the time, am I right?

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This week, former Minister for Women and current Minister for Jobs and Education, Michaelia Cash, did a phenomenal job of combining both roles.

In a Senate Estimates hearing, Michaelia threatened to name young, female staffers in Bill Shorten's office "over which rumours in this place abound".

"Well, do you want to start naming them?" she continued. "Do you want to start naming them? For Mr Shorten to come out and deny any of the rumours that have been speculating this building now for many, many [years]."

You have to give it to the lass. Dragging both women and young people's jobs in the same sentence – a work of art.

Penny Wong raced in to ask her to withdraw her "sexist", "disgraceful" and "outrageous slurs", giving her the best damn deathstare we've seen in a long time. But we've not heard this much noise about the Minister for Women since Tony Abbott assumed the position in 2013. Which got us thinking... Between Michaelia Cash and Tony Abbott, who was the best Minister for Women?

Tony Abbott's time at the top

When Tony Abbott claimed the coveted role, our hearts soared. It's no secret men are the superior sex, and now we had a bloke at the helm who was prepared to steer us in the right direction.

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And this wasn't just any man, this was Tony Abbott – a man who understands abortions are the easy way out and that it's not the woman's right to absolutely withhold sex from a man.

Tone has a long history of caring about women. Since 1979, he's encouraged us not to embarrass ourselves by competing with men when our "aptitudes, abilities and interests are different for physiological reasons".

Then he was blessed with daughters (or burdened, we all know what a handful teenage girls are) and finally understood in a way that was impossible before – a lot like Matt Damon in the #MeToo movement. He sacrificed his public image to object to them getting the Gardasil vaccination, even though he looked like a "cruel, callow, callous, heartless bastard"; maybe because he thought it would give them "a licence to be promiscuous" like Barnaby did?

But we can all agree Tony truly came into his own by subtly guiding Prime Minister Julia Gillard, someone of the more fragile sex, to make the right choices. He directed her to the light with suggestions she should "make an honest woman of herself" and when she introduced the carbon tax, he gave her a little slap on the wrist by standing next to signs branded 'ditch the witch' and 'Ju-liar… Bob Brown's bitch'.

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When the delicate Julia was finally ousted, Tone stepped up to the plate as PM and nominated himself to be the Minister for Women. He'd spent years prepping for the role and once he was MfW – and I know I can't speak for everyone – it definitely made me question why we even needed a female prime minister in the first place.

He proved he truly was an advocate of "merit" by only anointing one female in his ministry and cabinet – less than the cabinet of Afghanistan at the time. Merit should always be the only thing that matters, that's why he chose a treasurer who couldn't correctly add up a costings document – I'd like you to find a woman that could do any better!

He also reminded us his opposition to the dreaded carbon tax was actually inspired by women.

"What the housewives of Australia need to understand as they do the ironing is that if they get it done commercially it's going to go up in price and their own power bills when they switch the iron on are going to go up, every year…"

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^ Haha, women can't even do that right.

Anyway, we had some shufflings and finally Michaelia Cash was welcomed to the sought-after role. Between you and me, I think it was because some naysayers thought a man wasn't a great choice for the role.

Michaelia enters the competition

Sure, Michaelia rejects feminism, but Tone proved that shouldn't be a prerequisite for the job.

While she certainly wouldn't be in the six-figure role she is now without it, Michaelia acknowledged feminism is a movement with a set of "ideologies from many, many decades ago now."

And she's right, we can vote now… what more do we need? She added: "All I know is I believe in women. That's it. And I believe in men."

This is an important distinction. As we know, feminists are rabid, man-hating control freaks who just want men as their slaves – feminazis for short – so Michaelia must specify she likes men or she'll be thrust under this shameful umbrella.

In this new dawn, straight, white men are having a really rough time. People are daring to challenge them and when she was Minister for Women, it was Michaelia's job to coddle them – she was, after all, meant to protect the vulnerable.

Speaking of the vulnerable, while other parties have pushed for compulsory domestic violence leave to combat the devastating treatment of women in Australia, Michaelia contested it, insisting it would result in less jobs for women.

"I think you have to be very careful as a policymaker in saying to businesses, an employee can now take an additional four weeks leave that you pay for," she asserted.

"Do you put in a perverse disincentive that 'I just won't employ women'?"

She bravely rejected a plea from the Human Rights Commission to reconsider her stance even after the Department of the Prime Minister and Cabinet was forced to remove an explicit reference to domestic violence from its proposed enterprise agreement

And then, she strolls into Parliament and gives the performance of her life this week.

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It's a tough choice and I want to thank everyone who took part in the competition. We can all agree their appointments truly speak volumes BUT without further ado... Tony has just taken home the crown this time.