50 bed bugs

Rosie Mullender and Martin Daubney share their list of the most annoying things men (and women) do in bed...

She says...

  1. Smelling of mildew. Is it really so hard to take your sheets out of the washing machine within 24 hours of the cycle finishing? It’s cleaning, not magic.

  1. Having horrible pants. Holes in them? Grey or saggy? Fly shredding away? Bin them. And shaking properly after the toilet can’t be that difficult.

  1. Banging away at something we don’t like. It might have made your ex scream like a banshee, but if we look a bit bored … you guessed it, we’re a bit bored. Try working on some different moves until the woman you are actually with screams like a banshee.

4 Ignoring hotspots. There’s more to us than boobs, bits and bums. What about the sides of our necks, our bellybuttons, or the small of our backs? Mix it up.

  1. Looking bored. Display even a hint of ennui when it’s our turn to orgasm, and you’re in big, big trouble.

  1. Expecting us to act like porn stars. Women in porn act like that because they’re paid to. And sorry, no one is big enough to make us shriek that loudly.

  1. Shoving it in our back. The best ways to tell us you’re in the mood are a) paying us compliments, or b) giving us a massage. Stop with the prodding already.

  1. Liking uncomfortable positions. We’re sure us kneeling on the arm of the sofa with our head between our knees while wearing a tiny G-string is a thrill for you, but it’s bloody uncomfortable. If we ask to move to the bed, we mean, like, NOW.

  1. Going “there” without asking. The phrase “Don’t even go there” was invented by
    a woman. Fact.

  1. Commenting on our waxing habits. Our bits are not a make-your-own-pizza bar – you do not get it your way. “I’d really love it if you…” might get you a treat. “Wouldn’t it be better if you…” will get you nada.

  1. Comparing us to your ex-girlfriend. Saying, “But my ex used to…” to get us to try a new move will guarantee it’ll never, ever happen.

  1. Being “funny”. Shoving your face eagerly in our boobs and going “Brrrrrr!” or pushing our head under the covers when you’ve farted is hilarious. If you’re on tour with a rugby team.

  1. Eating in bed. If you insist on nibbles before sex, stick to cake. Kettle Chip crumbs digging into our buttocks throughout the big event isn’t all that comfy.

  1. Letting it all hang out. We groom. Why shouldn’t you? A big, bad bush is a bit of a turn-off – and a trim makes you look bigger. It’s basically a win-win.

  1. Making us look rubbish. We’ve put ourselves in a flattering position, which helps us relax. Then you grab our legs and shove us into a position that gives us more spare tyres than a Bob Jane T-Mart. Cheers.

  1. Whipping out the flavoured condoms. “I got these in a pub toilet, and now I want a banana-flavoured blowjob.” Is this really what you want to say?

  1. Commenting on how wet or dry we are. If you must mention it, ensure it’s a compliment that will stop us being paranoid. But really, shut up.

  1. Laughing at our come face. You look like an angry potato when you’re about to come, so don’t expect us to look good. Plus, it means you’ve done it right, so you should be happy. Just not laughing happy.

  1. Grumbling that we take ages to come. Don’t. Even. Go. There.

  1. Closing your eyes and lying still. If we’re down south, we like to know you’re enjoying yourself. Otherwise we’ll assume you don’t want a rerun.

  1. Falling asleep. Yeah yeah, chemicals, blah blah. There’s no excuse for dropping off after sex.

  1. Leaning on our hair. We never lean on your bits and fail to notice, forcing you to tug it out, do we? Pay attention to where you’re rolling.

  1. Grabbing our love handles. Take how cute and funny you think this is, multiply it by a thousand, and that’s how much we hate it.

  1. Refusing to snuggle. Five minutes ago you weren’t “too hot” to take us against a wall.

  1. Naming it. Sidling up to us and whispering, “Pedro wants to play” isn’t sexy. Sorry.He says...

  1. Screaming like a porn star. Some men like it; not me. I just wonder who you’ve watched those movies with. Sighing is good. Yelling like you’re in labour is not.

  1. Pulling out a scary sex toy. Discreet vibrators are fine. A giant dildo threatens our fragile ego.

  1. Saying, “You’ll never make me come doing that!”. I’m not a mind-reader. Instead, try saying, “I really like it when you…” You’ll get what you want, and we’ll have learnt a valuable lesson.

  1. Mocking our socks. OK, men nude but for socks are funny. But sometimes we’re so eager … a full undress just gets in the way. Take it as a compliment!

  1. Faking it. We know it’s meant to make us feel better, but do it unconvincingly and it says, “You can’t make me come, and I want this to end. Now.” So just don’t.

  1. Stopping foreplay to take a shower This either makes sex feel clinical – hopping into the shower doesn’t exactly scream “I must have you now, Sex God” – or makes us think you haven’t washed in a week.

  1. Giving single-speed manual relief You know how you shake hairspray into life? Well, this is not how to treat a penis. Try long and slow, then short and fast corkscrew motions. A varied menu keeps us hungry.

  1. Overdoing the perfume. We respond to your natural odours – they’re packed with pheromones. A mushroom cloud of eau-de-something makes you smell about as erotic as shopping at a chemist.

  1. Laughing for no reason You might’ve just remembered the latest S#*t Guys Say clip, but laughing will make us worry it’s performance-related. If it happens, say, “Sorry, you just cracked me up earlier with that joke.” Thanks.

10 Coming then stopping. If you’re lucky enough to come first, ask us to keep going. We’ll think you’re enjoying the mythical multiple orgasm and it’ll help us charge to the finish line.

  1. Crying. Cry while we’re inside you and many men will be petrified. Say, “I’m crying because I’m happy,” and hug us. Still scary, but not as bad.

  1. Coughing. If you cough while we’re inside you, your vaginal muscles spasm violently. So warn us first.

  1. Checking your phone Some women do do this. Would you rather have sex with your phone?

  1. Waiting for us to make a move Surprise us: go out of the room and walk back in naked. Throw us on the bed. Play with yourself. We’ll soon take the hint.

  1. Reverting to your favourite sex position. You might only get off doing doggie. But it can make us feel like little more than a willy with a body attached.

  1. Leaving used condoms around. There’s nothing more sorry-looking than a droopy, cold condom. It might be our mess, but we’re not that keen either, frankly.

  1. Having a bed covered in cuddly toys. There’s something creepy about a room that looks like a branch of Toys “R” Us. You’re not 13. Put the toys away.

  1. Squeezing our balls. We like having our nuts played with, but if you squeeze them, be gentle.

  1. Assuming we want lengthy blowjobs. Only a madman would turn down a blowie, but we don’t want to spend all night on the practice lap.

  1. Talking dirty without warning. Usually you stick to moans and the odd, “Faster!” But then you break into, “BITE ME!” – which can freak us out.

  1. Leaving your pyjamas on. Nothing kills passion faster than Mickey Mouse PJs. Get naked, stat.

  1. Playing annoying music. You might like One Direction – but no man wants Harry crooning while he’s on the job. Go for neutral, chill-out music.

  1. Rationing blowjobs. Say, “I’ll give you a blowjob if you go down on me first.” Job done.

  1. Always turning out the lights. You might have body issues, but insisting on darkness just makes us share them. Dim the lights or light a candle.

  1. Calling us by another man’s name. Yelling, “Oh yes, oh yes, Shane!” is great if he’s actually called Shane. It happened to one of my mates. Trouble was, he was called Lou. Shane was his flatmate.