A (not so) sure thing

Every guy likes to have sex in the shower, right? According to Josh Aiello, not so much…see the seven moves you think he wants in bed, but sooooo doesn’t.

Most guys are pretty simple in the end. Are you a girl? OK, great – you’re 99 percent of the way there already. All that crazy sex advice about trying hard to please him is, well, crazy to us. Like these doozies…

1. Join him in his pre-work morning shower.

A Guy’s Gut Reaction: Oh, you want to be part of the only 10 minutes of alone time I get all day?

Why it’s not that sexy: Sex in the shower can be a divisive issue. Taking it to his pre-work morning shower ups the ante. This might be the only time all day a guy isn’t dying for sex. As my friend D (yes, he goes by D), 26, says, “There’s nothing like getting ready for work with a round of awkward shower sex. Unless you have a seat in there, shower sex is never as fun as it sounds. Who gets to stand under the water? And she can’t like it when she goes down on me and there’s scalding hot water blasting in her face.” Sure makes the climax kind of anticlimactic.

2. Strongly hint you are in the mood, then play hard to get and make him seduce you.

A Guy’s Gut Reaction: Just what a guy wants when he gets home from work – more work.

Why It’s Not That Sexy: The Chase is a game for those who’ve just met. When your relationship is new, you’re so excited you’ll try anything. I once spent three weeks eating at vegan restaurants just ’cos a girl was cute (and vegan). Of course, I’d grab a cheeseburger afterwards. But still, that’s working for it! One of the great perks of a long-term relationship is sure-thing sex. As my mate Jim puts it, “If you’ve been in the relationship for a while, this amounts to cruel and unusual punishment.” We worked hard to catch you, so let’s enjoy the fruits of our labour.

3. Make love in front of a mirror so you can see every erotic angle of each other’s bodies.

A Guy’s Gut Reaction: It’s the non-erotic angles we’re afraid of.

Why It’s Not That Sexy: Maybe a guy in amazing shape wouldn’t dread this quite as much as I do. But even my athletic friend Brad says, “I’m not crazy about it. It’s distracting.” If you scrutinise every bit of action unfolding in the mirror, you’ll likely see seriously non-sexy angles too. Unless you both agreed to it, or it’s 1977 and you have a mirror hanging above your water bed, forget it. It’s too hard to get lost in the moment when you’re checking how your butt looks.

4. Wear a top with a million little buttons and slooowly undo them while he watches.

A Guy’s Gut Reaction: Is it cool if I watch the footy till you finish?

Why It’s Not That Sexy: Sure, most guys enjoy a striptease – but there’s a reason that strippers don’t wear tops like that. Namely, there are few things less sexy than unbuttoning a million buttons. Guys like it when you take your clothes off, sure – but it’s better if it doesn’t take half an innings before you get to the main event.

5. Buy super-pricey, super-sexy lingerie for his eyes only.

A Guy’s Gut Reaction: The only time a guy notices lingerie is when it’s hard to take off.

Why It’s Not That Sexy: Lingerie is kind of a nonstarter. If it makes you feel sexy, great. Go for it. But if you’re wearing it to turn a guy on, just know it doesn’t do as much for him as you might think. The one hot thing about lingerie is the mystery of what lies underneath it. But, as Will says, “If I already know what’s under there, what’s the point?” I spoke to multiple guys about lingerie and all had some variation of the same response. Unless you crawl into bed wearing stained granny undies, we really don’t care if your underwear is made of silk, lace or a cotton-Lycra blend.

6. Hide a silk scarf in his bag with a note that reads, “You’re going to need this later tonight.”

A Guy’s Gut Reaction: What for? Is it going to be cold out?

Why It’s Not That Sexy: Unless you are (1) Stevie Nicks or (2) dating Steven Tyler, silk scarves have no place at sexy time. That goes for most supposedly sexy props: red light bulbs, handcuffs, geisha costumes (unless you know a guy is into those things). It’s not the prop that counts: it’s you, up for fun, that’s the real exciting part. Most of us don’t know what to make of silk scarves and all that stuff, and the last thing we want in bed is to be confused.

7. Read each other torrid passages from erotic books.

A Guy’s Gut Reaction: You do know that there’s heaps of free porn on the internet, right?

Why It’s Not That Sexy: These days the average guy has spent most of his life immersed in what’s become a highly sexualised culture. And the effect is that it’s dulled our senses. We don’t want to read a bedtime story: we want to engage in the story ourselves. But talking dirty to each other? That’s a win.

So here’s the thing: guys don’t require fancy moves to get turned on. We are simple creatures with simple needs. We appreciate gestures that show you care, and we like it when a girl has a vibrant life outside the relationship.

When I met my wife, I thought it was sexy that she would stay out till 4am drinking bourbon at a dive bar. My friend Afshin says, “One time a girl woke me up with a massage and it was awesome.” Chad says, “I love how my girlfriend keeps my favourite snacks at her place.” Now that’s hot.

Words by Josh Aiello