Four scenarios I can and will use this new anonymous eggplant delivery service in

Say it to me in aubergines, you dastardly coward.

By Mahalia Chang

Over the years, there have been several anonymous niche delivery services popping up. From passive-aggressive glitter bombs, to the multi-purpose gummy penis delivery, there is something for everyone really.

Except me.

For years I have been wandering this cruel world in search of an anonymous yet meaningful delivery option that really feels true to my character. Overt phallic gestures weren’t right (too on the nose) and neither were nonsensical food items (not on the nose enough).

Things were looking bleak.

Until I found the Eggplants Express.

A Sydney-based delivery service that promises a whole, fresh eggplant inscribed with a message of your choosing, delivered to any address in Australia. Now this was truly perfect. Not only is the eggplant just relevant enough to evoke some sort of contextualised reaction from your recipient, but it was also non-descript enough to belie offense.

Not sold on the humble eggplant’s comedic potential? Here, four scenarios in which an anonymously delivered eggplants is the one and only viable option.

Scenario 1

You get hit on by a creepy guy at your local bar. He makes several untoward jokes about yourself and your friends. You repeatedly attempt to rebuff his advances, but alas, he persists. Until finally, you’re struck with a bolt of inspiration. Insisting on calling him over him calling you, you procure his business card. Heading over to Eggplant Express, you order one (1) express eggplant delivery (confirmed delivery in under 12 hours – so convenient). Do you send it to his home address? No, too subtle. You send it to his work address, with a card written for him but FOA: His Boss.

Your message: “Out of your league.”

Scenario 2

You’re deeply embroiled in a Tinder stand-off with a very cute someone. They’re shy. You’re kinda shy. There’s been flirting but no outward invitation to bone. Gently, you procure their address without sounding like a total creep (at least 30 per cent creepiness unavoidably required). Going with the regular Eggplants Express delivery option, you send one (1) aubergine to said address.

Your message: “Let’s bump and grind.”

Scenario 3

Your long-term friend has been recently going through a dry spell that has lasted much too long for your sex gossip-loving heart. On a bleary Thursday morning you are informed by text that they have indeed done the nasty and broken the spell. Using an eggplant to symbolise their reintroduction into the world of dick, you send one (1) express eggplant.

Your message: “Proud of u."

Scenario 4

Your hot ex whom you both love and despise is recently single again and looks annoyingly good. Rather than stooping to the level of a shameful ‘What’s up?’ 2AM text, you order one (1) express eggplant to be delivered to their address. You begin day-drinking during the ordering process, knowing full-well you will still be drunk after the however many hours it takes to deliver your phallic vegetable – meaning you will therefore be blind and free of logic and reason when you reason your “WTF did you send me an eggplant, and if so, do you want to bone?” text reply.

Your message: “It’s time for my next dick appointment.”