Sex

We asked guys what their first porn search was, and the results were ridiculous

Our top answer: “Pokemon Sex”.

By Katie Stow
guys first porn search

It’s no secret that guys have an ~intimate~ relationship with porn, with most turning to those sexy vids at 13-years-old or so, and being loyally committed to it forevermore. But how did they first get into it?

Cosmo asked a bunch of fellas what their OG porn search was and how well the, erm, experience went for them — with results varying from lads being positively enlightened by their sesh, all the way to them thinking something was drastically wrong with their dicks.

Here, the greatest list of ridiculously honest quotes from guys about their very first porn search:

“It was probably a bad Photoshop of Britney Spears that loaded after five minutes slowly on dial-up internet as I nervously looked over my shoulder and out the window to see if my parents were coming home. My god it was worth it.” — Jake, 23.

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“I was eight or nine and had a friend over from school, and we were talking about naked women in magazines and on the internet. We thought the word for porn was ‘pono’ so that’s what we typed in to the search bar: pono.com — which actually turned out to be a porn site! We scrolled through pictures of titties and giggled. My six-year-old sister then walked in to the living room (where we were) and knew that I was doing something shifty so tattled on me to Mum. Mum then came in and assessed the situation, and I got in major trouble. I knew I had done something wrong, and was told to never do it again. So I did it again for the next 19 years.” — James, 27.

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"I was 16 and typed in a teacher's name into every porn site I knew. I tried potential nicknames and stage names, but couldn't find her. I was convinced she was in porn as she was driving a different car every few months. I didn't find anything." — Willy, 24

"I'm pretty sure it was Paris Hilton, like I googled 'Paris Hilton naked', which I downloaded on my beat up Sony Erikson. Life changed immeasurably after that." — Harry, 25

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"Melina WWE nude, 2006.” — Johnny, 24.

“I didn't masturbate to porn 'til I was 16, but the first time I watched porn was when I was in year six (aged 11) and we were all on the school laptops, and someone at the front of the class typed in teensex.com and everyone behind was watching. Then they all typed it in to their laptops and then the whole class was streaming porn. It was weird.” — Max, 27.

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"I remember being in the back of computing class in prep school and idly searching for images of ferraris when I stumbled across a photo that included a nudie lady draped over the bonnet. As this website had managed to overcome the safe search function on the school computers it became quite a sensation and for many, including myself, sparked an enduring passion for high performance motor vehicles and women raised without a sound father figure." — Barney, 26.

“I was pretty nerdy as a kid, so it was probably something close to 'Pokemon Sex'.” — Logan, 24.

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“Mimi Macpherson’s sex tape was the first porno I watched when I was 13-years-old. It was some shitty camcorder footage of some dude making a sex tape with Elle Macpherson’s sister, and my brother gave it to me. Fun fact: Due to never having orgasmed before, I thought cumming would be like the Rammstein singer from the Family Values concert, where he pulled out a fake donger that was connected to a hose — so I got a bucket in preparation. I thought something was wrong with me when only a couple of droplets of spluge came out.” — Danny, 29.

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"Can't say I was searching for anything, but I stumbled across XXX Jenna Jameson when I was downloading a Blink182 song off LimeWire." — David, 25.

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“I remember being 11 or 12 and finally getting the house to myself, so I raced down to the computer and pulled up a browser. A friend had told me about this site called Big Juggz (the Z is very important here) so I thought I would check it out. BEST DISCOVERY OF MY LIFE! This site had everything my young 11-year-old mind could want. It was like a magical safe haven that I never wanted to leave. Now remember this was back when the internet wasn’t very fast so you took what you could get but by god it was life changing.” — Cyril, 24.

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“I am really showing my age and nerdiness, but I don’t think there was any way to search back then, so I guess I would have stumbled upon this on a BBS (bulletin board service, which was kinda like a pre-internet forum). I do vaguely remember downloading, very, very slowly, some .BMPs of Elle Macpherson from Playboy on a 28.8k modem.” — Andrew, 34.

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“I was 15-years-old when I did my first search in RedTube. I typed in ‘lesbian porn’, and the video I watched was of lesbian oral sex in a cabin, on top of a fur rug next to a roaring fireplace. I jizzed in 30 seconds flat.” — Richard, 28.

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“It was about 20 years ago, and I believed I typed ‘pam anderson video’ into ‘ask jeeves’ or ‘altavista’. In the late '90s it didn’t really matter what you typed in — it still took 20 minutes to load a grainy 4-second video of something that vaguely resembled a woman. Which to be fair, still seemed amazing at the time.” — Sam, 34.

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“So I rang up my mate Johnny, and asked "so how do you do this porn thing?" And he said, "type in http://www.limewire.com (spelling out each letter aloud) then go to the top right hand corner and type in ‘PORN’. And then I saw boobies.” — Alex, 25.