Emma Markezic: To mate or date?

Comedian Emma Markezic on the highs and lows of the monogamy merry-go-round...

By Emma Markezic
Emma Markezic
Emma Markezic

Hey, summer… you're back! Thanks for coming!* And for bringing your awesome tingly sexual energy with you. For you are the season when everyone is out and about, scantily clad and going at it like rabbits. 'Tis also the season of giving… Which gets me thinking about the greatest gift one person can give another (a self-saucing chocolate pudding in the shape of Mark Wahlberg, no? As grouse as that would be… no). I'm talking about monogamy. The art of giving up the rabbit race and committing yourself to just one, for now or forever. And I call it an art because it requires patience and practise and passion. Also known as the three relationship Ps (not to be confused with the three, slightly more fun, sexual Ps: porn, privates and poking).

Which all begs the question: is monogamy natural? To which I say, stop begging, it demeans us all - especially the question, who probably didn't want to be involved in the first place!

In the biological sense, at least, monogamy is about as far from natural as a moustache on a baby. We're created to mate, not date (and dare I say record numbers would tune into Mating in The Dark on a Sunday evening). The research is brutal: it's been proven by multiple horny scientists that a man's sperm count
is higher with each new partner, and that females are hardwired to seek out
the genetic diversity for their yet-to-be-sperminated young. Which begs another question: who's handing out the grants for this sex research and how can I get in on the ground floor? Or, as the case may be, get off on the ground floor? (Note to self: apply for funding).

We are much more than the sum of our primate parts, though. We've evolved. If human social capacity were a pyramid, monogamy would be the pinnacle. Why? Because it's freakin' hard to pull off, that's why. We can roll most of what constitutes a modern relationship into the same big, waxy ball of frippery. But it's a damn good one as far as waxy balls go, amiright? As a social construct, a loving monogamous relationship is right up there with art, literature, language and those curly straws in the shape of glasses that you can wear at the same time you're drinking out of them! Awesome in every way.

Besides, the rabbit warren is exhausting. Which is not to say that monogamy equates to settling - far from it. Loyalty implies love and devotion and all good things about the human spirit. Finding that person you'd happily motion through the ocean of life with only to discover that they feel the same way about you - well, it's like being invited to an Alexander Wang sample sale. An offer too good to pass up and sure to send those who missed out into seething fits of jealousy. And in the end, isn't that what we all want? For others to secretly covet our happiness? Obviously we do. It's human nature. In fact, there should be an award for the best monogamists among us. "And the Monogrammy goes to…" Wait, hold it right there. Imma let you finish, but Beyoncé and Jay-Z have one of the best monogamous relationships of all time. Of all time! *(That's what she said.)

Word of the month

Cockumentary (adj.): Used to describe porn in civilised company in the hope they will confuse it with something else.
As in, "I saw the most amazing cockumentary on SBS last night…"