Emma Markezic: Zooming in on the action

Are your lady parts in need of a pick-me-up?

This month I'd like to take a closer look at something ... your vagina. Well, not literally. That would be weird. Not to mention it would take me months to get around to everyone's house. I should probably be more specific. What I really want to hone in on is your relationship with your hot pocket. Because apparently the nation's pink bits are blue. So blue, in fact, women around the country are treating them to pick-me-up botox injections. Seriously, it's a thing. Your spasm chasm might be depressed right now!

Medically miserable vaginas aren't the only ones that can benefit from a little shot in the arm (or lip, as the case may be) either. If you're one of the 75 per cent of women who can't achieve orgasm from intercourse alone, did you know you can beef up your g-spot with the same stuff they put in Kim K's lips to make it easier for his joystick to access? Oh, modern technology - internet shopping and now this? It's too much! You shouldn't have!

But perhaps you're an old fashioned girl. Maybe in the market for something a little more spiritual? A friend of mine, let's call her Greta, recently went to see a clairvoyant in search of some romantic guidance. What she left with was a fanny cleansing. That's what the clairvoyant called it anyway. I call it unprovoked happy flap man-handling. Anyway, midway through her reading, the clairvoyant said she could tell Greta's privates were in need of some attention, but a little shy due to some recent misuse. So she waved some crystals around between her legs, "cleared the cobwebs from her clitoris" and sent her on her way.

With so many hot pocket procedures on the market you have to wonder if this is all just the tip of a very ample iceberg. You can already get your genitals a nip/tuck with the plastic surgeon, is it just a matter of time before they can book a one-on-one with Dr Phil? Is this all just 21st century superficiality gone mad? If this were 1985, we'd just wrap it in a pair of happy pants and hit the discotheque. You might pull a hustle muscle but at least your reproductive organs would get out relatively unscathed.

Beaver botox and psychic sanitation aside - before you start mucking around with what your mama gave you, consider this: a friend of mine always says he never met a vagina he didn't like. If a dude is down there, it's likely he's just grateful you let him into your lady garden - he's not worried if the gates are a little rusty. And you shouldn't either. So if you're considering a nether-lift, PUT DOWN THE HAND MIRROR! Embrace your natural glory. Then remember there are women out there with legitimately sad vaginas.

And I know what you're wondering ... how did Greta's fanny fare? I'm happy to say it's made some new friends on the playground and seems to have perked right up. Perhaps a little lip service was all it needed.

Follow @markyknowsbest for more amusing anecdotes.