Your former relationship is over and done, his old jumper has been hidden at the back of the drawer, and you’ve finally found someone else to get naked with. But what if your ex is still in your bed? Psychologically, that is. If you’re afraid to ask for oral because your ex hated doing it or you always wear a bra because he laughed at your “funny” nipples – then, yes, you have a sexual hangover. But don’t worry, we’ve got cures that work faster than a Berocca and Macca’s hash-brown combo.
The hangover: Zero body love – you’re scraed of what the new guy will think of your bod...
The cure: “It only takes a single comment to make you feel damaged,” says Claire Flynn, sex, relationship and intimacy coach for lovinyou.com.au. “But while it’s all too easy to take on a belief, in reality a cruel comment is more likely to be about his insecurities than anything to do with you.”
If you are holding on to something unkind he said to you, let it go. Because if a guy is in bed with you, he thinks you’re hot. Fact. And you know what’s even hotter than a naked you? A confident naked you. Think of a celeb you think works it, and channel their style.
The hangover: Missionary rut – Your ex made you feel bad for wanting to try new things (sexually) and now you’re worried about asking for what you want...
The cure: Granted, you might frighten him if you ask him to build a Fifty Shades-style Red Room of Pain, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t suggest new things you want to try. “Past experiences, particularly intimate ones when we feel unsure and vulnerable, can and do leave a lasting impression,” explains Kellie Miles from Bondi Counselling. “Whenever this happens, it’s important to try to remember that those experiences – and the thoughts and feelings they created – belong to the past, to the situation they originally occurred in.”
So consider your new relationship a clean, fresh slate, and speak up and ask your guy for what you want. We bet our shoe fund that he’ll be stoked and reward your courage.
The hangover: Sexpectations – Your new guy doesn’t have as high libido as your ex and you’re feeling unwanted...
The cure: It’s time to change your expectations. We don’t hear too much about men’s lack of sex drive, despite it being very common. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want you or isn’t attracted to you – a low libido could be the result of something as simple as stress.
Try to broaden your idea of sex, and get more creative in the bedroom. If he’s not in the mood, ask him if he’ll use your vibrator on you instead, so you can still be intimate without him worrying about performance.
The hangover: Climax fears – Your ex used to make it feel like pleasuring you was a chore and you’ve carried that guilt into your new relationship, making you super tense. All. The. Time...
The cure: You’re not locked into being a certain way just because that’s what you’ve experienced in the past. In these circumstances, the best thing you can do is communicate with your new boyfriend openly and honestly, recommends Flynn.
Having said that, it’s best not to mention your past sex life. “Your new partner has nothing to do with your previous relationship, so rather than oversharing about your ex, explain that you love what he’s doing and you just need time to relax,” she adds.
We know bringing up the topic can be scarier than opening your credit card statement after a Shopbop binge – but if you don’t, nothing will change. “Teach him what you like in bed, and you will start enjoying your sex life,” says Flynn.