Tara Tries...A very different alarm clock

Our sex columnist has found the best way to wake up, ever. Vibrating alarm clock, anyone?

By Tara O'Sullivan
Happy mornings

People who know me will be aware of two things: a) I have a bizarro obsession with midget porn, b) I hate mornings.

Mornings are my nemesis. I loathe them more than wetsuits and that hideous lighting in airplane toilets. In fact, if I was Queen, which I’m sure will happen one day, then I would abolish mornings completely and make each day begin at 11.59am. I believe the world would be a far happier place if pesky alarm clocks were eradicated.

But, morning are suddenly looking a whole lot better: I recently discovered something which has changed my life profoundly. An invention so important, it will most probably win the Noble Peace Prize…

Say hello to, The Vibrating Alarm Clock.

Yes ladies, Little Rooster, is the world’s first alarm clock specifically designed to wake you up, er, sensually.

When I first received this devilishly naughty device I could hardly control my excitement. I had so many questions: Would it work? How would it work? And why had it taken me so long to find this ultimate personal utensil?!

Little Rooster is a slim-line, rod-like instrument that easily fits in your knickers. You nestle the rod into the right place before you go to sleep and set the inbuilt alarm. It’s like a watch for your vajayjay!

With 27 silent speed settings, you don’t even have to tell your bed sharer you're wearing it. Unless you hit turbo level, which of course I did and my pelvis began bouncing all over the place as though I had an electric mixer inside me. Lesson learnt.

At first I did find it a bit awks sleeping with an implement between my legs, but soon I forgot it was there, and in the morning I was alerted to my new friend's presence though a series of gentle pulsations. Ignoring it, as I do with my normal alarm, it wasn’t until the Little Rooster really got going that I woke up and took notice. And as the Rooster worked up to its full potential I was not only wide awake, but really* smiling at 7.15 am! GOOD MORNING WORLD!

And you wanna know the best thing about this raunchy rouser - besides being the cheeriest person at the office, you will never feel guilty about hitting the snooze button. Ever.