Imaginary sex convos

Emma Markezic explains what guys are really thinking while you're doing it...

Imaginary sex convos

Want to know what a man’s thinking when in line at the bank? Sex. When you tell him about your day? Yep, sex. When you’re picking out a gift for his mum? Still sex. But what’s he thinking when he’s actually having sex?

Now his mind is running like a kid towards cake. He’s cataloguing a thousand sights, sounds and smells; he is thinking about you, about Christina Hendricks, about meat. Just probably not in the way you think… Here are common bedroom scenarios, complete with what you’re thinking, what he’s thinking, and what it all means.

1. You’ve decided that tonight is the night

What you’re thinking: Sexy lingerie and scented body lotion? Checkity-check.

What he’s thinking: Pre-date/romp precautionary orgasm? Check.

Translation: He thinks if he lasts longer you’re more likely to want more. While we’re at it, don’t overdo the perfume: he’s attracted to your natural pheromones.

2. He’s down there

What you’re thinking: Why are you teasing me? Just get to the sweet spot!

What he’s thinking: Is that it? No… wait… is that it?!

Translation: There’s no one-size-fits-all map for down there. Throw the guy a proverbial bone and give him a hand.

3. You look down and catch sight of your rig

What you’re thinking: Ugh, my boobs look so saggy from this angle.

What he’s thinking: Her boobs look so spectacular from this angle.

Translation: Men like boobs. All of them. All of the time.

4. You notice that nipple hair is back

What you’re thinking: Has he seen it? I bet he has. He’s disgusted by me. It’s all over. Damn you, nipple hair!

What he’s thinking: Wow! Her nipples look like delicious fleshy strawberries.

Translation: He also likes strawberries.

5. You’re feeling fat

What you’re thinking: If I put the sheet here and my elbow here he won’t notice the roll around my belly button…

What he’s thinking: Why won’t she let me see her naked? Seriously.

Translation: He loves rolls, even when they’re not ham and cheese. We have more fat than men – it’s what makes us curvy, and why he’s attracted to you.

6. You’re staring into each other’s eyes

What you’re thinking: This is so special!

What he’s thinking: Look at her eyes, look at her eyes… Ahh, forget it.

Translation: Women release a hormone that makes us forge emotional bonds, and men get a huge hit of testosterone. Which just makes them want to bang you and then eat a slab of meat.

7. You’re on top

What you’re thinking: My boobs are bouncing around like two giant ping
pong balls… awkward!

What he’s thinking: Her boobs are bouncing around like two giant ping
pong balls… amazing!

Translation: He enjoys boobs that slap together like a couple of turkey thighs.

8. You think he’s about to orgasm

What you’re thinking: Finally! It was starting to feel like sandpaper.

What he’s thinking: Sport! That scene in The Shawshank Redemption! Sport!

Translation: Men have loads of mental devices for delaying ejaculation. If you are actually done, try whispering, “Tell me when you’re ready, babe…” It’s his cue to ride into rocket town.

9. It’s been six weeks and you just did it

What you’re thinking: I’m so glad we waited, it made it more memorable.

What he’s thinking: That was awesome. When will I get to do that again?

Translation: He’s into you.

10. You’ve just had a one-night stand

What you’re thinking: I wonder if he’ll phone me? Could I picture him at the Christmas table with my parents?

What he’s thinking: How on earth did I get her to have sex with me? Hmm, have I ever washed these sheets since I bought them?

Translation: He’s definitely not going to be meeting your parents.

11. You just did it; now you need to pee

What you’re thinking: If I put on his baggy shirt I’ll look cute and girlie.

What he’s thinking: Dude, not my gross sweaty shirt?! My boner called; he was crying and he’s not coming back.

Translation: You should probably go to the bathroom naked.

12. It’s over and you’re lying there panting

What you’re thinking: Wow, I wonder how he’s feeling right now?

What he’s thinking: I feel like pooping. Then going to the gym.

Translation: He feels like pooping and then going to the gym.